I get anxious.
A lot.
Not like worried that I'm going to be late for an appointment, but that I'm going to crash my car into the cement side wall on the way, killing 7 and injuring myself. Then I picture the funerals and what I would do or say and how I would defend myself at an involuntary manslaughter trial.
These irrational, illogical thoughts occupy my mind every day. Especially when I try to go to sleep at night. That's when the really fucked up thinking happens. It involves death and rape and destruction of myself and my family.
Then I get up to check the locks. One. More. Time.
I finally decided to talk to my doctor about it because it would be really nice not to worry about getting raped in my bed as I'm falling asleep at night. Only my regular lady parts doctor couldn't see me for weeks, so I decided to call a family practice clinic near my house. I've never been to this clinic. Clearly, they have issues with people showing up and asking them for hard core fucking narcotics and xan.ax or something.
They really thought I was just trying to get drugs out of them.
It ended with the doctor giving me a prescription for an anti-depressant and a card for a clinical psychologist.
Bitch.
I guess I am crazy. Add 1 more reason to the list of why I should start using illegal drugs.
You should try another doctor. I get anxiety as well and I would probably wither up and die without Xanax! It's not even that I need it every day, but just KNOWING I have it near me at all times is very comforting.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think you could find a doctor who would write a prescription for you.
I have anxiety as well. I think anyone struggling with infertility will have double the anxiety!
ReplyDeleteI picture car crashes every single time I drive. It used to be a lot worse -- I've gotten in the habit of distracting myself now (either by talking on the phone or turning the radio way up) and that helps. But I totally get the anxiety thing.
ReplyDeleteI also, though, get the caution with drugs thing. In my experience, doctors cannot be too careful -- and often aren't careful enough.
Following up with a psychologist might not be fun, but may be very helpful.
Sending hugs and hopes that they can figure out how to curb the anxiety soon.
Jo
I have just been referred for talking therapy assessment. I'm not totally sure how chatting to a health professional will help, but I am ready to give it a try. Good luck with getting the right support for you. Wouldn't it be great to get to a point where we were 'only' dealing with the physical side of IF and not the mental stress as well?
ReplyDelete