I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. It's only 11 DPO but I can just tell. But that's not the point.
Today was my baby's last day of kindergarten.
I went to his school party and as I was watching him play duck, duck, goose, I was talking to another mom that I have become friends with over the year, and I just starting CRYING. In the classroom! I'm glad my son didn't see.
I just watched him and mourned how quickly it is going by and how he looks like a real kid and not a little kid. I cried because I have been pregnant 3 times since he was born and he still doesn't have a little sister. I cried because the other moms were there with toddlers in tow and pregnant bellies and seemingly no knowledge of what it's like to have their child graduating from kindergarten and being no closer now than we were 3 years ago to having another.
I cried tears for the babies I have longed for and lost and the thought that I may never see another one of my children on his last day of kindergarten, or feel little feet kicking me from inside or the incredible love at first sight when my baby is born. I cried because I feel bad that my perfect, beautiful son doesn't make me feel complete as a mom. Not because he is anything less than phenomenal, but because I thought there would be more by now.
I cried more because I feel defective and alone and misunderstood and depressed and sad and scared and empty. The sadness is palpable and I'll be okay tomorrow but today I am crying, crying, crying for as long as I want to.
I sooo understand this post. I cried too. I do every year. It's all so very depressing.
ReplyDeleteSending good vibes your way. Hope the weepies pass soon! (Man, I hate the weepies. Damn weepies.)
I'm so sorry. I'm crying for you too. Those thoughts have gone through my head so many times. The "why isn't my son enough for me? What kind of a mother does that make me?" and the not knowing if I would ever feel a baby kicking again...
ReplyDeleteI really, really hope that it's just a matter of time for you and that eventually your dream will come true.
Oh yes, I know know know that feeling. My Little Guy is not so Little and maybe never again to have a Little person? Such awful sadness at that prospect.
ReplyDelete(*hugs*) Sounds like it was a very emotionally charged day~ sorry hun.
ReplyDeleteWhat a day. Sorry you had to go through that. But I'm glad I could skip to the present and see things going better for you! Best of luck in the new year!
ReplyDeleteOh, how I know that feeling. My baby finished kindergarten this past spring, and we've been waiting to adopt from China for over four-and-a-half years. It was a very emotional time for me - I always thought I'd have another little one home before she became such a "big" girl. I'm so sorry. May 2011 bring you joy.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, I know that feeling. My girl is only 4, but it is tough to watch all the little ones in her daycare welcome new siblings...knowing it's unlikely that she will experience that.
ReplyDeleteHere from the Creme...
I can just imagine. My boy is only 10 months old and I already can anticipate some of these feelings. Take care.
ReplyDelete(from the creme)
I know this feeling and my boy is 19 months old. I can only imagine in a couple of years. Great post.
ReplyDeleteIf one child made us feel complete, then we would never have more. There is nothing wrong, or even very different, about the way you feel. I think it shows how great you are as a mom that you recognize how wonderful it is what you have, and that you want more of that greatness.
ReplyDeleteReally lovely post. Thanks for sharing it through the Creme.
ReplyDeleteOoh I had one of those sad crying days today. Luckily I was home alone and no one was around. but literally everything made me cry. It was ridiculous. Thanks for sharing the post. Much love to you <3
ReplyDelete"Tears are words the heart can not express".
ReplyDeleteI love this post because you are brave. Now following from Creme de la Creme (hope you'll follow me back).
www.mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. My daughter just started preschool and I'm already feeling that way.
ReplyDeleteComing from the creme, I was you, hon. Fourth grade saw my miracle happen. I hope for yours soon. xx
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to start this comment. I guess I should say that my daughter is seven months old and I'm already worried we will not be able to give her sibling(s). I loved this line that you wrote: "I cried because I feel bad that my perfect, beautiful son doesn't make me feel complete as a mom." I worry I will feel the same way. I want so bad to have more children but you just never know what will happen. Still, I think I do know how I will feel if I can't have more children, I will feel devastated.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you had so many losses on your way to your second child (I saw on your time line that you're expecting! Congrats!) I hope that you are able to complete you family in the way that you want.
Creme de la Creme #125
Creme de la Creme Iron Clad Commenter Attempt 2010
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post! You were entitled to cry for everyone of those reason!
ReplyDelete