Dinner Sucks

I caught the tail end of a cooking show this morning and they were making some delicious cheesy pasta with vegetables.  It looked amazing and I wanted to eat it.  Bugs had soccer practice this evening though so by the time I got around to making dinner, I didn't have the ingredients or the energy to go to the store.  I started digging through the freezer for good old chicken and broccoli (again!) when I discovered something magical.  Last time I went to the store, I bought this frozen pasta chicken vegetable cheesy thing that you just heat up in a skillet.  Um hello Universe?  Thank you very much!  The picture on the bag even LOOKED like the awesome dish on tv.

It wasn't.  It sucked.

So then Bugs and I are both starving and eating the noodles and chicken out of the dish, but that's it.  So we were still hungry.  So then, yes, I, being the mom of all moms, heated up a frozen pizza. 

I sure hope Bugs's gummy bear vitamins are helping him since I can't seem to feed him anything healthy.

Knock Knock. Who's There?

I remember my first pregnancy as being all magical with sparkles and rainbows and stuff.  It was 7 god damn years ago, so maybe I have just blocked out the bad and only remembered the unicorns and glitter parts.  Or maybe I was only 25 and all in love and wondrous and shit so I just had a great time.

I dunno.

But this time I am a raving lunatic slash bitch from hell slash nightmare.

I called at least 4 drivers assholes on the way to work this morning.  I flipped someone off.  I called my husband a fucking idiot a half dozen times (not to his face obviously.)  I've gained 2 pounds in a week because all I want is pizza and Chick Fil A.  And I nap on the couch 2-3 times a day. 

It's just shocking how I feel hungover and crazy every day.  I'm really not complaining, honest.  Although other people are starting to....

Fucking morons.

T.L.C is an Asshole

This is the first week of school where Bugs goes all day.  I have Tuesdays and Thursdays off but Tuesday I was busy with random errands and bullshit so I didn't get to spend the whole day with myself.  But today!  Wow!  Today I dropped Bugs off at school, went to the GYM.  That's right people, the gym.  And now I'm home, thinking about how I should be cleaning, but then watching T.LC instead.  (P.S.  Kate is still as scary as ever.)

At first I watched Wh.at N.ot to W.ear, in which a military wife got a makeover right before her Navy husband came home on a ship!  Of course I was bawling my fucking eyeballs out.  Now it's A Ba.by St.ory in which the doctor has just scared the first time mom into a C-section (presumably because he has a tee time coming up.)  More bawling.

Oh and did you know there's like 5 baby shows in a row?????  Are you trying to KILL me TL.C?

Damn Hippies

Over the past couple years, I've been educating myself about food and chemicals and byproducts etc. etc.  I've tried to switch to more natural choices of food with less hormones and pesticides.  I tend to buy organic fruits and vegetables and luckily I've been able to make room for it in my budget.  If I'm having a tight week with money, I'll choose some stuff that's not organic, but for the most part, I try not to.

Bath and body products are a different story.  I am a hair products JUNKIE.  I buy expensive salon products but since I am a massage therapist, I get hair stylist discounts.  So you can see how difficult it is to put down my Redken All Soft and pick up some goo I've never heard of or tried.  I also have pretty long and thick hair, so I've been nervous to switch to all natural shampoos.  Let's face it - at this point I don't see myself making the change from chic, soft, awesome hair to frizzed out, smelly dreadlocks. 

But today I headed to the old natural foods store to pick up some more pre-natals.  I perused the deodorant, lotion and toothpaste aisle and decided to go for it.  I bought some lavender deodorant that has baking soda in it, and some all natural lotion and toothpaste.  I also discovered a natural facial moisturizer that you just mist on to your face.  I'm super excited to try out these products, but I just have one major concern.

I am one sweaty, smelly chick.

I mean, I sweat even when I'm cold.  And you should get a whiff of me after I've gone for a run.  You know, back when I used to go for runs.  So I'm not sure how this deodorant thing is going to work out.  I'm having visions of being wonderfully girly and alot less stinky now that I have like fairy dust and magicalness.  (You know, because I'm pregnant and shit.)  It's going to be interesting to see how I fare as a full blown hippie.  Minus the unruly hair and patchouli. 

Ultrasound Day

I started crying while we were waiting for the doctor to come in.  I was so scared.

He found a sac, a yolk sac, fetal pole and thank the Universe, a heartbeat.  It took a minute to get the heartbeat but it was there.

We aren't out of the woods yet, of course, but it's a good step.

I wish I felt better.  I still feel incredibly unsettled about the whole thing.  I started a conversation with myself about when I am going to feel better about it.  At first I thought it would be when my betas doubled.  That's happened twice.  Still unsettled.  Then I thought it would be when I had symptoms.  I have them all.  Still unsettled.  Ok, when we see a heartbeat.

Still not it.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have lost 3 babies.  3.  This unsettled feeling may not ever go away.  I might be taking a newborn home in April and still not believe that everything is going to be ok.  That's the thing about the nightmare of recurrent miscarriage - it never ends.  I hope I can wake up from it and be happy soon, but for now I am taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.

Dear ICLW

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

I pretty much say the F-word in every post.  (And in every sentence I speak.  I realize that it just might make me sound unsmart unintelligent, but it sure feels good.)

I recently found out that I am pregnant again.  This is the 5th time but I've only had 1 child so far.  Things are looking good this time, however, so we're crossing our fingers that... well, you know.

I probably won't be posting any stupid lame stuff on Facebook about my pregnancy because well, OBVIOUSLY.  I'm thinking up some really clever one liners about how pregnancy has affected my sex life and pooping schedule.

I'm always right.  It's a curse and a blessing.

I can't wait to read all your blogs too!  But right now I seem to be nodding off at my keyboard, so.....

I'm CA-RAZY!

I swear in like a week I will start writing more funny, interesting posts that aren't all neurotic and pregnancy related, but for now, I am deeply engrossed in crazy lady land and can't seem to dig myself out.

I started spotting last night.  I mean, it wasn't even close to a murder scene or anything resembling anything close to bad at all.  But it was there.  And it scared me. 

Went for another beta and while in the waiting room I skimmed through this book on how to get through infertility with your sanity (AS IF!)  Anyway, one of the suggestions in the book was to listen to classical music because of it's calming effects.  It said that if you listen to music with cello in it that you are supposed to feel that in your lower abdomen and that it can bring calm to your body there. 

Remember how I said I'm crazy?  Well I went straight to work and turned on Internet radio to classical music with cello in it.  I gotta say I didn't feel it in my lady parts or anything but it was quite relaxing.

And on to the good news  The beta was over 14,000.  I didn't get the whole number because I started crying. 

Ultrasound on Monday.

Signs

I'm pretty much alternating between crying, nodding off, and wanting to vomit.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And You Think I'M the Bitch?

I can't tell you how many people I've become friends with and they later have said, "When I first met you, I thought you were such a BITCH!!"

Why do people say stuff like that?

And why does everyone think I'm a bitch?

I'm like the nicest person EVER.  Ok, maybe not EVER, but I'm pretty nice. 

Well this weekend I got quite the doozy over the bitch comment.  First of all, I was at a party sponsored by Hubs's company.  Everyone was shit canned, over the top, ridiculously D-R-U-N-K.  Except me, of course, and Hubs because he is awesome.  So of course everyone was like, "Oh, what's wrong?" "Why are you so mad?"  "Why aren't you smiling?"  "Let me get you a DRINK!"  "You're taking a SHOT!  I don't care if you say NO."  (Notice how nobody was telling me how much they love me because I am a bitch.)

Anyway, this one guys says to me, "I'm a gonna tell you thisssssssss, but I'mmmm onlyyyyyy telling you this cuz I'm da-runk!  When I first metttttttttt you, I thoughttttt that you think you are bettttttter than me because you're upppppppper classssss and I'm nottttttt."

Um, fuckingexcuseme drunk dick?

First of all, I'm so far from upper class that it hurts a little.  And second of all, just because I'm not all "Hi!  Your outfit is cute and I love your hair!"  doesn't mean that I am a huge snobby bitch.  I'm just quiet when I first meet people.

I hope he woke up with a big fat hangover and felt like the world's biggest douche.

How IF Has Turned Me Into a Crazy Lady

I've only checked the TP for spotting a half dozen times so far.  Ok, a half dozen times a day.  But I pee like 18 times a day, so my ratio is pretty good.  By the way, the peeing frequency is NOT pregnancy related.  I always have to pee that much.  It's borderline ridiculous.
_____________________________

I went ahead and took a leap and signed up for the weekly pregnancy emails.  The one I got today says "Your Pregnancy: 5 Weeks."  When I first saw it, I got a little thrill, like oh yeah!  I'm actually pregnant.  Then realized that I haven't made it to the Week 6 email for 7 years.  Come on Week 6 email!

_____________________________

My neuroses are kicking in full swing.  My acupuncturist thinks I'm crazy and gives me these not-so-subtle talks about how I need to relax and stop calling the doctor.  Your pulse feels just great!  Ok well I'm not well versed in how my pulse predicts whether my life is going to turn out the way I want it to, but I'm trying to take her word for it.

_____________________________

2nd beta was Saturday and was 2,350.  Sooooo more than double, which is good. 

IF Still Doesn't Make Sense

I went to the fertility clinic yesterday for my beta.  They called me last night to tell me the results and to recommend that I re-test for lupus anticoagulant (I've tested positive once and negative once) just to make sure I shouldn't be on some medications.

So I went back early this morning.  This is when they do egg retrievals. 

The waiting room was full of couples. 

I almost cried. 

I just don't understand why there are so many people that have fertility issues.  And I don't understand how before I had them, I was so unaware and naive about it.  But mostly, I don't understand how people and insurance companies don't comprehend that infertility is a real medical problem.  I had somebody compare IVF to getting a boob job once.

I am so sad for all of us.  That this - THIS has to be our memory of getting pregnant, or NOT getting pregnant.  It's overwhelming and even though it all happens for a reason, believing that doesn't make this any easier. 

Have you heard the saying "it's not the destination, it's the journey"?  Well in our case, it IS the destination and my god we just hope the journey will make it worth it in the end.

Elation

Today's beta: 1,042
17 DPO

So happy.

Torture

I can't make a decision, like ever.

The other night my husband actually told me that he feels sorry for me when I have to make a decision because I just agonize over it forEVER.

And I really do.  I'll feel like I've made up my mind, think some more, and then change it again.

So remember how I picked up a 2nd job?  And then remember how I found out I'm pregnant?  Well now some more analysis has occurred and I'm worried about the stress I am putting on my body by waking up at 3 a.m. and working for 12-14 hours straight.

Insert sleepless night, stomachache from worrying, and worrying because I am worrying too much.

Finally I asked Hubs to just decide for me.  He is sometimes quite the genius and said, "What do you want?  Like long-term?"

I want to be a good mom to my son, pick him up and drop him off at school, and when I get my baby, I want to breast feed and cuddle and take naps with her all day.

Nowhere in this sentence did I mention ANYTHING about either one of my jobs.

So I tearfully called my boss tonight to tell her that I need to quit the program and I hope they won't hold me to the year contract I signed since I'm still in the training phase.  Also cried a little about how I hope the company will welcome me back when I am in a better position to be employed by them.  (I had told her earlier about my situation and she told me to think it over and call her later.)

Ok I left her a voicemail.  I'm a wuss.

I hope I can just move on and not over-analyze the decision.

It's best for my family.  It's best for my family.  It's best for my family.

Here We Go... (Again)

2 pink lines.

That's what I'm getting.

I wish I could be excited, but the last year has jaded fucked me.

Waiting til Friday for the beta so if it's bad I can get it over with in 1 day rather than drag it through the week.

God, please let this be it.

Begging.  Praying.  Hoping.

This Isn't Russia. Or Germany or Whatever*

I hate people that say "uber."  Like, "Uber excited that I finally got my nipples pierced."

Nobody has ever said that to me, but you get my point.  If you say "uber" and read my blog, then I'm uber sorry if I offend you.

I think people who try to pretty it up by throwing some foreign words in their vocabulary should get punched.  Right in the baby makers.

Do you or someone you know pronounce Target like "Taaaaarrrrr-jhayyyyyyy"?

Well stop it.
It's weird.
It's pronounced "Tar-get."
Like a bullesye.

And I also really think it's hilarious when you end a phone conversation and the other person says "Ciao!"  Like we're in the Vatican eating gelato.

I think I'm just going to start responding with "Aloha."

Unless I'm in Hawaii because then people will just think I'm an annoying tourist instead of a sarcastic hag.


*If you live in Russia or Germany or Whatever... please disregard this post.  And keep saying Tar-jhay.

A Few Things

1 - Sometimes I just want to eat at Wendy's.  But only if it's during a rush because I know the fries will be fresh.  Dirty greasy old Wendy's french fries shouldn't even be able to call themselves fries.  They are that bad.  Delicious, fresh, salty new Wendy's fries move my lard ass a little closer to heaven every time I eat one.  Especially when dipped into a chocolate frosty.

2 - Day 3 of my new job training, which P.S. is mandatory, and my son is a puking mess all day and my mom ends up in the ER.  They are both ok, but nothing like some mommy guilt when I'm trying to focus on some chemistry terms I've never heard of before and imaging my sweet, poor little boy sick at home without his mommy.  As if dad will do.  (He totally did do, but I like to think otherwise.)

3 - I have to be at the hospital at 4:45 am for morning rounds.  Um, yeah, 4:45 AM.  That's 4:45 in the morning.  If you've ever stayed in a hospital, you know that this is the time they like to wake you up to run all sorts of tests.  I used to just think that it was because they did an early morning shift change and those nurses wanted to get the fuck home.  Turns out there's actually a medical reason for it.  Who knew.

Hope you all are doing well!  I'm trying to keep up on my favorite blogs but haven't done a stellar job so far.  This 2 job business might not be for me.  Giving it 2 more days to decide.

Unfunny but Existing Post

Dear Blog,

I have missed you so!!  I have been so busy over the last few days and will be working 60 hour weeks for the next 6 weeks.  I am also missing my bed, my son, my sanity and my free time.  But I promise not to desert you totally.  I will be back to write short, stupid and unfunny posts like this one.

In other news, I am physically and mentally torturing myself right now by watching Teen Mom on MTV.  Farrah is a huge cunt face, Amber is certifiably a nut job, and Catelynn and Maci are somewhat tolerable.  I can't tell you why I watch this piece of shit show but it's like a train wreck.  Maybe these bitches should just give me their babies and when they ask why they were adopted, I can just show them some footage of the show.

The End.