Moms Kick Ass

This weekend, Hubs was out of town.  I'm nearly 32 years old and only slightly ashamed to say that when I'm home alone, I get scared.  Every little noise wakes me up and I give serious thoughts to setting boobie traps throughout my house in case somebody does actually break in. 

So after getting no sleep Wednesday or Thursday night, I decided to pack a bag on Friday night and take Bugs for a sleepover at grandma's.  (Oh yeah, and I was sleeping over there too.)  My mom and dad were really nice about it and didn't even say anything about what a pussy I am or how I should maybe grow a pair and be a grown up.

It couldn't have been better timing either because Saturday morning I woke up vomiting.  Like actually woke up when the vomit was starting to come out.  Sa-weeeeeet!!!  It wasn't from the pregnancy either.  Oh no.  This was some type of food poisoning, or according to my theory, a new virus that has not been discovered yet because people would tell you about it.  I mean, if you guys knew about this virus already and didn't tell me, well, then, I fucking disown your asses.

So there I was, all of Saturday and some of Sunday, puking and the other gross stuff.  My mom let me stay in her bed.  She brought me 7-up and chicken noodle soup and water and popsicles. 

Oh yeah and took care of my son all weekend. 

I love my kid and all but I do wonder if when he is 31 I'm going to be all "yeah come throw up and shit yourself all over my house and I'll take care of you and clean up after you!" 

My mom is awesome.

How $100 Can Turn You Into a Crazy Lady

I used to see a therapist and it was pretty much awesome.  (Well except the $100 per hour part.)  Back then, when I felt like crying, I would take deep breaths to hold back the tears.  One day, my shrink said, "Why do you do that?  Why not just cry?" 

I didn't cry because if I cried every time I felt like it, I would be a mess all day every day.  But after that session, I decided to give it a try, and I just went ahead and cried whenever I felt like it.  Oh yeah, and every since.  I can't stop the tears anymore, even if I take huge breaths.  I just look like a blubbering idiot gasping for air.

Yesterday I was in the shower and I started crying.  I was thinking about when my son was born.  My pregnancy with him was like a dream - I was never sick, I loved being pregnant, and when I actually gave birth, I had to push TWICE.  Yep, twice.  Nice right?  Then there was the bliss after he was born of just looking at him and loving him unconditionally already.

And that's what I cried about.

It is just incredible how you can love a little person so instantly with pure raw emotion and without any prejudice on whether or not they'll love you back.  My husband looked at him and said, with tears in his eyes, "I would live or die for him right now."  I would have too, and we both still would to this day.

Happiest day of my life.

Things I'll Never Understand

• Why men (my husband specifically) put their bowl in the sink when it is literally, 12 inches from the dishwasher.
• Calculus.
• Radio commercials that are a spoof on real songs and are REAL annoying.
• Why when there are 2 lanes merging, people get really pissed off at you if you drive up the closing lane until the merge sign.  I mean, there's still 2 lanes people, why aren't we using them both?  I especially like it when some douchebag in a hummer blocks both lanes so nobody can do that.
• Douchebags in hummers.
• Mayonnaise.
• Family Guy.
• How my son can eat macaroni and cheese every. single. day. and never get sick of it.  I sure get sick of making it.
• The fact that my husband and I both make good money, yet we never have any.

What about you?  What drives you crazy or is beyond comprehension?

Blog Changes and How I'm an Urban Legend

We saw the baby today.  It moved and it's heart was beating.  I'm 10 weeks and taking this seriously now.

Therefore, new blog name that I'm not sure I'm crazy about so it might change again and I updated my info so everyone will know that my situation has changed and I have overcome mightily being fertility challenged.


Next - I figured out that I am an urban legend.  I was on clomid for 3 months and didn't get pregnant.  They told me to take a break from the drugs so I decided to make it a total break.  I didn't track my cycle  (well not diligently anyway.)  I only had sex with my husband when I wanted to, which I kinda forgot what that was like.  We took a vacation, which is theoretically when we conceived.

This will be the ONLY time ever that I will admit to these facts because I'm quite positive that they had absolutely NOTHING to do with it, but just wanted to point out how Mother Nature fucks with me has a sense of humor. 

Don't Hate Me Because I Started Christmas Shopping

Thanks to everyone for your advice on my last post.  I have decided to keep on truckin' and when I am past the 1st trimester, I will change the name of my blog and most likely, the focus.  I WILL, however, keep saying FUCK a whole lot and probably making fun of random people. 


Next... Bugs's birthday is in December which is a wonderful time to be 9 months pregnant, but a horrible time after about age 3 because that is a lot of gift giving in one month what with the birthday and the Christmas.  So, last year I started shopping in September.  Every paycheck, I would go to the toy store, pick up 1 or 2 gifts and then store them in my closet.

I decided to go ahead with that plan this year because it eliminated the stress of coming up with a ton of extra money all at once in December.  Ok, that's not true at all because I didn't get anyone else a gift except Bugs so I still had to shop for all those assholes.  BUT, I did have Bugs done before his birthday and that was nice because, although I do love giving gifts, I think the whole "buy everyone and their dog a present" for Christmas is kind-of bull shit.  I know people are going to get me stuff, so I feel obligated to get them stuff. 

But I digress.  With today's paycheck, I bought Bugs a Pillow Pet.  Have you seen them?  "It's a pillow.... it's a pet.... It's a PILLOW PET!!"   He has wanted one for like a year but I'm kinda lazy at the Internet ordering plus I hate paying shipping because I'm a cheap ass.  Well now Walgreen's carries them.  Woot woot!  So I stopped and bought the dog one and my god it is so. DAMN. cute!

I might not make it 'til Christmas before I give it to him.  I might not make it past today.

Crossroads

So, it's my hundredth post.  I think that's like supposed to be a milestone or something, but I really just noticed it and it kinda fell on a perfect day.

Because I'm at a crossroads.

I'm not sure what to do with this blog right now.

I'm sick all day and every single thing I'm feeling or thinking about has to do with how shitty I feel that day, which in turn has to do with my pregnancy.

My pregnancy on this blog about infertility.

On one hand, I want to believe that everyone out there in IF land is super dooper happy for my and rushes to my blog to read about how everything is going swimmingly.

On the other hand, I know how frustrating a road IF and recurrent loss is and how hearing somebody complain about their morning sickness and constipation makes you roll your eyes and wish you could reach through the computer and bitch slap them because you would DIE to have those problems.

So I guess I'm asking for your advice.  My blog only began this March, even though my struggle to conceive and keep a pregnancy began a long time ago.  What have others in the community done with their conversion to pregnancy?

Should I end this blog because my struggle is seemingly over?  Or should I hang on and just try to be sensitive to my lovely IF friends?

Ok, So I Can't Count

Spoiler Alert:  In my next post, I say it's my 100th post.

It wasn't.  I suck and can't count.  Therefore, useless post 99 so that I'm no longer a liar.

How to Talk to Your In-Laws About Constipation

I went to my in-laws this weekend.  They are older than my parents by quite a bit so it's always interesting spending time with them.  Super fun and all, but just different.

We eat dinner (after seemingly hours of farm work) at 9:00 p.m.  Even when I'm not pregnant, I am a huge bitch pain in the ass when I'm hungry.  When I am pregnant, like now, I am a nauseous huge pain in the ass.

Oh yeah, and I hadn't pooped for like, oh I don't know, EVER.

So I'm hungry, grumpy, constipated and nauseous.  Nice right?

I decided to go to bed after dinner because I feel like total ass.  Hubs came to check on me and I asked him to get me some PRUNE juice.  As in what old farts drink.  So yeah, he gets me some PRUNE (disgusting ass) juice and has a discussion with his mom about my constipation problems. 

Saaaa-weeeeet!!!

So the next morning, I wake up to both his mom and dad giving me advice on what to eat to cure my constipation problems.  Awkward.  His mom had even cut up a bowl of fruit for me to eat.  It was really sweet, but I'm really only comfortable discussing my uncomfortable bowels with my Hubs. 

He's so pleased.

The Evolution of My Fear

Of course with infertility there are a great number of fears.  The what ifs of having something wrong with you or your husband, or if you'll ever get pregnant or if you're less of a woman because your body isn't working out quite right.

Then there are the fears of repeat miscarriage, which are somewhat the same as infertility, although there are some very different, very scary fears there as well.

So after over 8 weeks of pregnancy, I have discovered new fears, beyond miscarriage.  Very unexpected fears.  Fears that I really never gave ANY thought to, and are now just creeping up since this pregnancy dream seems to be coming to fruition:

1 - I have no fucking clue what to do with a newborn.

2 - All I own is a crib and a few baby clothes.

3 - How in the world can we afford a baby?

I realize I should have given thought to these fears a long time ago, but I was so focused on actually getting myself knocked up that I failed to see the forest through the trees.  I guess since I wasn't sure it would ever happen, I didn't worry needlessly about other fears. 

Although come to think of it, that is so not like me.  Hmm.  Weird.

Another Post About Something That I Hate

You know what I hate?

People that are dicks.

Size 10 Update

So all my jeans suck.  Ok maybe not all of them, but the ones I tend to put on every day because they are comfortable... they seem to be getting holes in them where nobody wants to see holes.  And every day when I put them on, I think to myself, "I hope these jeans don't tear today when I bend over.  If they do tear, which they are totally going to, then I just hope it is when I'm getting in my car or someplace non-embarrassing like that."  (Side note, it took me 4 tries to spell embarrassing right.  2 R's and 2 S's.  Who knew?)

So I decided to bite it and go spend the last dollars in my checking account on some new jeans.  I'm 5'10, size 12, with a 35 inch inseam, so jean shopping is somewhat like torture chambers in Tudors England for me.  Ok ok it's not like getting quartered, but it really really sucks.

I went to Amer.ican Ea.gle because they do sometimes have long jeans and they are about half the price of the jeans I normally buy at The Bu.ckle.  And get this.

I found 2 pair that fit.

They were a size 10 long.

They were buy one get one half off. 

That, my friends, is the most epic jeans buying story in the history of my jean shopping LIFE.  Please don't tell me if AE jeans run big or something because I don't care.  I tried on a size 10 and they zipped up easily.  The girl in the store even told me to get a size 8 because they stretch so much.  I love her for saying that but considering my current sitch, I decided size 10 was blissful enough.

Great Day

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you just nailed it?  Like life that day, you just did good.  Did it right.

I had one of those days today.

Well right after I fought with my husband.  That didn't go so well, but that was like 9 a.m. so it doesn't even really count as part of the day yet.

After that, I went to the gym and did some mediocre cardio on the elliptical.  Oh and I had to try 3 different machines before I could get one to work.  And I started crying.

This day does NOT sound that amazing so far, but I swear it was.

Next I went to acupuncture and it was awesome of course.  Super relaxing and nappy and delightful.  I was naturally starving when I finished and was near one of my favorite Italian places so I decided to take myself to lunch.

If you've never had a meal at a restaurant by yourself, do it.  Like tomorrow.  It's the best.

So there I was with my spaghetti and meatballs and my bowl of tomato basil soup (insert drooling here.)  It was fabulous and quiet and wonderful.

Next, I went home and napped for 2 hours.  That's right.  2 hours.

Picked Bugs up from school, got him a haircut, got a snack, took him to soccer practice.  Then we came home, hung out together, did 3 pages of homework together.  Then Bugs wanted to practice his soccer skillz, so I busted out mine (I don't have any) and we played soccer together in the living room. 

We just read together for a little bit and then I had him tucked in bed at bedtime.

I feel like I'm a pretty good mom most of the time, but there are these days when I just know that I've made a memory for my son and it was GOOD.  Like soccer in the living room and cuddling with a book.

Nailed it.