Saturday was a crazy day. There was this well, interesting protest going on in my city against some recent stupid law changes that affect people like myself that enjoy consuming alcoholic beverages. So someone organized this protest that snowballed into being about EVERY law that anyone thought was stupid. Which is great and all, but that escalated into it being one gigantic SHIT SHOW. It was at a public plaza and there were beer and food vendors. Now, the Hubs owns some restaurants and was one of the food vendors. I went to help, but mostly to witness the madness and drink the beer. Obviously.
And then, after getting drunk off of only 2 beers, the worst possible thing happened. Someone handed me a bottle of Black Velvet. Yes, you read that right, it was Black Velvet, the skankiest of all whiskeys. And you know what I did ladies? Well I did what any self-respecting aspiring drunk ass would do... drank it straight from the bottle. Dear God.
And then came the rum. And then more beer. And by 9:30, I WAS THE SHIT SHOW! That's 9:30 PM by the way. This is the first time I have really tied one on since before being pregnant with L, and let me tell you something... I did NOT pull it off. By about 10, I had to sit on a stool and drink water. I stopped trying to talk because it did not make sense anyway. Sunday I asked the Hubs if I did anything embarrassing and he lied and said no but he didn't lie that well.
Oh yeah and I had to go home to my children after and wake up twice during the night to feed Loags (frozen milk, not Black Velvet milk.) By 7:30 he was up for the day and I swear to you that the room was actually spinning. My boobs were hard as rocks and I didn't have my pump with me so all I could do was lift my shirt and try to shoot my husband in the eye with my intoxicated milk. Ok that part was awesome.
But the rest? Not that awesome. I've written myself a letter to refer to next time I am in the throes of drinking...
Dear Drunk Self,
You are not 21 years old anymore. Put your pants back on, nobody wants to see that. Get your alcoholic beverage and dump it out right now. RIGHT NOW. Now take your other beverage (because I know you are double fisted right now) and dump that shit out too. I repeat, you are not 21 years old anymore. Ask your nearest server/bartender/friend for some water. If they give you shit about drinking water, tell them to fuck off and then call a cab. Nothing good can come from people that will not give you water. Above all, you are way too classy a lady to drink Black Velvet or any other liquor that costs less than 10 dollars straight from the bottle. (Or you are aspiring to be that classy. Baby steps.) Most importantly, remember that when you get home, you will not be able to just pass out and sleep it off. AND IT IS GOING TO HURT. For like a whole day. It will hurt. There will be vomit. There will be crying. And there will be crying babies. Either take it down a notch, or go the fuck home you old old lady.
Sincerely,
Sober Self
Just remember, if you do this in CO in a couple of weeks (DO IT DO IT!), you won't have to wake up to feed a crying baby - just to face a bunch of commiserating also-hungover women and laughing pregnant ladies (who are really just jealous they're not hung over too).
ReplyDeleteI love that classy shit.
I love this - getting yourself into good shape for October!
ReplyDeleteBahahaha! I feel nauseated just reading about it.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, now that our drunk ring leader is preggos we can tone October down a bit. By the way I have had to "relieve pressure" in some very interesting ways. Leaning over in the back seat of a rental car and milking myself into a drive-thru soda cup was one of my favorites. I haven't tried shooting Andy in the eye yet though. That sounds fun too.
ReplyDelete