What If

What if the hole in my heart is never filled up?

I have wanted to be a mom since I was 12 years old. I have written lists of possible names and signatures. I have made plans for what kind of parent I do, or do not want to be. I have attempted to hone in on the values that I feel are most important and how if only I could pass these traits on to my children, maybe, just maybe the world would be a better place.

I am so fortunate to be one of the ladies suffering from secondary infertility, meaning that I do already have a child of my own. I remember when my son was born that I was amazed that the happiest nights of my life were spent rocking him to sleep. I was tired, dazed, amused, amazed and so, so in love with him. He continues to bring me joy every day and is the light of my life.

So what if I can't give him a sibling?

Where will he be in the future when his dad and I are gone and he is hopefully grown and successful and happy. Who will he celebrate with? Where will he go for Thanksgiving and Christmas and how will he know what it feels like to be an uncle?

The biggest and mostest what if is what if my family never feels complete? We are yearning for another child, a sweet baby to rock and hold and raise and cuddle with. A brother or sister for my son to look after and love. We have wanted it for so long and are facing the grim possibility that maybe it just isn't a possibility.

The mission for now remains to be hopeful. Try new things. Wonder: what if we do have another? Won't it be incredible?



This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and this post is a part of Project IF.
For more information regarding infertility, go to:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101