What a captivating post title! I'm sure you have all been sitting around thinking, "I wonder how BU's vagina is doing?" Well I'm here to tell you that she is super duper confused. I've never actually named my vagina, but for this post, we'll call her Rosie. I'm not sure why that name came to me but I'm equating it to Rosie on the Jetson's. I may or may not have some psychological issues. But anyway, my robot vagina was scooting around the house vacuuming and dusting and fixing dinner when she and the bum uterus, Cindy Brady, decided to wreak some havoc on me. My period keeps coming and going at random intervals, followed by brief bouts of spotting, EWCM, yeast infections and the ever present forest of untamed pubes that are, to say the least, winning. I swear I could take a weed wacker to these bitches, give them a crew cut, and they would still be as back and unwanted as Miley and Billy Ray (sans the stripper pole.) (Ok maybe 1 stripper pole.)
So anyway, Rosie, Cindy, and the Cyruses are all here trying to confuse and humiliate me on a daily basis. For example, this weekend, we went to "the ranch" which is really just a fancy name for my mother-in-law's house. I had my period just 2 weeks ago so I wasn't worried about bringing boxes full of feminine hygiene or ugly period granny panties. Well the whole crew snickered at this oversight and went ahead and gave me a little gift in my underpants. I'm pretty sure my MIL hasn't had a period in a few decades so she definitely didn't have any of the goods. Also she lives in a tiny ass town where the stores close on Sunday in order for the locals to congregate and worship. So I had to go a route I haven't had to take in awhile. Stuff a wad of toilet paper into my cute and expensive VS undies and continue cursing Rosie and Cindy for their betrayals. Of course this gift only lasted until I got home Sunday night where I had actual products available.
So now here we all are, trying to get along again. But Miley and the Billy Rays have another thing coming. They aren't going to make it.
This post is hilarious :) Well not the fact that you had to walk around with a wad of paper on your crotch for days, but the other parts of the story...:)
ReplyDeleteMy god you make me laugh!!
ReplyDeleteRosie, huh? Well there goes that possible girl's name. ;) I named my boobs Michael and Jermaine once, which meant, that my girl parts were OBVIOUSLY called ClaToya.
ReplyDeleteNo good. Hope those girls get their act together for you soon. It's probably the breastfeeding playing games with your hormones.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is watching a documentary on the History Channel about Vietnam and I'm busting out laughing. NOT appropriate. Anyway, that was an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing your hilariousness! LOVE IT.
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