Hooray for my Pregnancy!

I know I've said that I have begun embracing this pregnancy, but I've been hesitant to write about it because I wanted to be sensitive to the IF community I'm part of.

Well, I've decided that even if I lose readers, it's time to make this blog more about my pregnancy and less about my infertility.  Perhaps I'll gain a different set of readers.  There's just so much built up in me that I have to get out.

So here goes.  What the fuck is UP with my boobs???  I mean, WOW, these things have taken on a life of their own.  It's amazing.  I mean I've never been small chested by any means, but I am moving up into the DD's or maybe even larger.  I haven't been sized or bought new bras because I'm a cheap ass.  I just deal with the fact that my nipples fall out when I bend over.

And speaking of nipples.... um, mine are ginormous and weird looking and sort of space shippy.  I remember my boobs getting weird with my son too, but that was like forever ago so this is new to me again.

So yeah, big huge boobs and my belly is already getting huge too.  I have attached a photo for your viewing pleasure.  This is at 14 weeks and my large belly is making my boobs look smaller, but trust me, these babies are worthy of a dirty magazine.

Yay ICLW!

Well it's ICLW time again.  I've taken the last few months off because in July, I got pregnant.  So, if you're not into reading pregnant blogs, I totally understand and won't be offended if you click away right now.

If you are willing to take a peek, then you will see that even though my fertility struggle seems to be over, it was 3 long years of miscarriages, doctors, crying and lots of sex for sure.  I'm still seeing the doctors, just to keep me on the straight and narrow and every once in awhile I give it up to my husband now, but it's nothing like the hump fest we had for 3 years.

I'm due in April and at this point I look like I have a beer belly (well, because I do) and I also seem to be farting a lot.  It's fun and exciting and slightly foreign since it has been 7 years now since my first bebe.  I still haven't bought a thing for this pregnancy because somewhere, my infertile recurrent miscarrying self is still rearing her ugly head and not letting me believe in it.  I hope to get there soon, but in the meantime, I'm still feeling a little pessimistic and A LOT scared. 

P.S.  Even though this post doesn't make it evident, I say fuck a whole lot and also yell at ignorant slut bags and morons even more.

Lunch Today

28 cent cup of noodles.

Milky Way.

I hope those pre-natals are doing the trick.

Alone Again

My husband is a business owner, an entrepreneur, a wannabe rancher and an overachiever.

He's busy.  All. The. Time.

Take for instance, this week.  Monday he worked until 9.  Tuesday til midnight.  Yesterday was his birthday and he wasn't sure what time he'd be done working so I didn't make plans.  I didn't have to because it turns out his work friends planned a surprise party for him. 

And didn't invite me. 

(To be fair, my husband did call and invite me once he knew what was happening, but what the fuck right???)  Tonight it's almost 11 and he's still not home.

It's a hard line to walk when I know that he is working hard and it benefits my family and myself too, but I am lonely and missing him and having a hard time being a mom on my own.

I've tried all the talks, and the date nights and family night.  He just gets busy and sometimes can't stick to it.

Anyone else have workaholic husbands?  How do you reconcile the part of your brain that's grateful for the hard workin' man with the part of your heart that really needs your husband more?

Score 1 For My Vagina Doctor

Can I just gush for a minute about my doctor?

I fucking love her.

I'd probably show her my vagina even if she wasn't a medical doctor.

Ok, no I wouldn't, but I'd invite her over and make her dinner and drink wine with her if I could.  It's probably against some patient doctor policy to do that so I've never asked, but she's that kind of chick.  Like one who could be your bestie.

And that's what my appointments are like.  Well, first I wait in the waiting room for her for an hour (still like my bestie.)  Then when I get back there, I chat with her like she's my girlfriend.  It doesn't feel all "I'm a doctor and you're an idiot so I'm talking down to you now."  It's more like "Dude, when will I stop puking and getting headaches and feeling depressed?"  And she's all "Homie, take it easy on yourself.  You're doing a fine job growing a human.  You rock.  Now go home and put your feet up and drink a glass of wine if you want."

I love her.

We talked about the depression and I did realize that a lot of my depressiveness is because I feel like ASS every day.  On the days I actually feel good, I am quite happy (although still a complainer apparently.)  I'm starting to have more good days so I'm hoping that now that I am in the 2nd trimester(!) that I will have less puking and headaches and more exercise and orgasms.

Look at me and my positive attitude.  I'm already becoming less of an asshole.

Damn You Inspiring Quotes

I don't know if you guys have noticed or not, but I'm just a little bit cynical.  And frustrated.  And possibly a little bit negative.

Which really pisses me off because I feel positive, but I find myself complaining.  A lot.

The shitty part is that it's kind of a joke among my friends that I have the worst fucking luck of anyone we know.  I mean, a lot of BAD BAD things happen to me.  At this point, I just have to laugh at them because it's just the way it is.  I try to use the magical powers of The Secret to get some good shit coming my way, but every few weeks I have a break down when, oh I don't know, my water gets shut off or I rip the front end off of my car.

Then today, somebody posted this super awesome quote on their FB that said, "We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" Unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."

I don't know why that really struck me, but it did.  I definitely have WAY WAY more good things happen in my life than bad, but it just seems like the bad stuff pounds me in the ass over and over sometimes and it's hard to not bitch about it.

I'm not saying I'm all the sudden going to be this super positive person, because let's face it, I get a laugh out of my negativity sometimes.  But I am saying that I'm going to try to shift the focus a little and be more stoked about the good things and less whiny bitch about the bad.

Everything's Not Fine

Everything IS fine with the baby.

Everything is not fine with my brain.  I've dealt with some depression issues before and it seems like I'm dealing with some now.

I didn't even realize it until one of my good friends told me yesterday that she was diagnosed with post-partum depression.  She told me all the causes and her symptoms.  I started laughing (at myself not her) and asked her if you could have PPD while you are still pregnant.  And well, yes, you sure can.

My next doctor appointment is Monday so I'm planning on discussing it with her.

Nothing about this pregnancy is the same.  Nothing.

How I Almost Ended Up in the Looney Bin Today

Ok, ok, I know that "looney bin" isn't politically correct or something, but wait 'til you hear what I managed to do to myself today.

It actually started out great.  A girl from work texted to say we were having power problems and not to come in until noon.  I realized Bugs had hot lunch today so I didn't have to make him the usual PB&J and a bag of grapes that he never eats.  I headed out the door in my pajamas to take him to school so that I could come home and get back in bed.

Then I backed out of the garage, snagged my bumper on the corner and ripped the whole front end off my car.  I called my insurance company and they said they were having trouble "verifying coverage."  What this translates to is that my policy just renewed and due to some unfortunate shit on my dear husband's license, they have raised our monthly rate from 184 dollars to 853 dollars.  Yep, that's 853 dollars PER MONTH for car insurance. 

Um fuck.

We're thinking the whole thing is a mistake and working on getting it resolved, and they said they'd still cover getting my car fixed because our policy is current.  So I got a rental and guess what the mileage was when I got in.

No, really.  Guess.

You'll never guess.

It was 666.  I'm not kidding.

OHMYFUCKINGGODINEEDADRINKSOBAD!!!!

Do You Need a Tissue?

I've noticed this, uh, phenomenon of sorts lately.  It all goes back to the days when I was either 1 - NOT pregnant, or 2 - pregnant and having a miscarriage.  People checked on me a lot and everyone felt super sorry for me.  It sucked to be the pity person, but I also hoped those people hugged their babies just a little bit tighter that night, and I think they did.

These same people are now repeatedly checking up on me and mah pregnancy.  It's really sweet and of course, I can't talk about it enough, but, well, um, they all start crying.  Well not everyone, some of my friends are still pissed that I can't get drunk with them anymore.  But the ones who aren't  alcoholics are very interested and very weepy.

They are just so happy for me that it is finally going well and it causes them to cry.  Weird* huh?

* I don't mean weird like stop crying or calling me.  Just weird like unexpected.