I am not exciting. My days consist of moaning and groaning as I roll myself out of bed in the morning, getting Bugs ready for school, going to work and then coming home and napping.
Like 2-3 hour naps every night.
And then still going to bed by midnight and doing it all over again the next day. My poor son is (still) surviving on mac and cheese and cereal. I should get a mom of the year award.
If I could only win the lottery then maybe I could stay home and sleep and take hot baths all day. But my state doesn't have a lottery and also I'd have to actually go buy a ticket if it did. Which would of course involve my not sleeping all day and night.
My hypno-birthing class starts tonight and I am trying to be excited, but mostly all I can think about is napping. And donuts.
Mmm, donuts.
Speaking of donuts. Mmm, donuts. I did NOT pass my gestational diabetes test. I was only over by 2 measly freaking points but now I have to go for the big 3 hour one where I don't get to eat all morning and sit in the doctor's office for 3 hours. They will draw my blood a total of 4 times.
I think they might have a death wish. I mean, if you could see me when I'm hungry, I'd somewhat resemble a terrible swamp creature/monster and I'd probably call you a dick for even looking at me. Then I'd try not to pass out on you and then I'd cry because I wanted some cereal so badly. It's not pretty.
Once again, totally worth it.
Showing posts with label pregnant?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnant?. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Glowing MY ASS!
I am not glowing.
In fact, my face looks like I'm a teenager/old lady at the same time. I have zits. And dry spots. And ruddy sections that span my cheeks and chin.
My legs are hairy, and so is my belly, which is super sexy. I can't even see my lady parts anymore so shaving that region has become pretty much impossible. My hair is growing so fast that I have an inch of regrowth already and I only had my hair done 5 weeks ago.
I want to pass out if I don't eat for an hour and so, it appears that by the end of this pregnancy, I will indeed hit the 200 pound mark on the scale. A milestone I was hoping never to reach, pregnant or not.
And I know I've mentioned the farting already...
But my baby is doing great and measuring perfectly and kicking up a storm. It's strange to long for that feeling for so many years and then to finally have it, right here in my belly. Every day. And although it's a cliche, I will have to say that all the struggles, the tears, the meds, the appointments, the blood draws and even almost weighing 200 lbs... totally worth it.
In fact, my face looks like I'm a teenager/old lady at the same time. I have zits. And dry spots. And ruddy sections that span my cheeks and chin.
My legs are hairy, and so is my belly, which is super sexy. I can't even see my lady parts anymore so shaving that region has become pretty much impossible. My hair is growing so fast that I have an inch of regrowth already and I only had my hair done 5 weeks ago.
I want to pass out if I don't eat for an hour and so, it appears that by the end of this pregnancy, I will indeed hit the 200 pound mark on the scale. A milestone I was hoping never to reach, pregnant or not.
And I know I've mentioned the farting already...
But my baby is doing great and measuring perfectly and kicking up a storm. It's strange to long for that feeling for so many years and then to finally have it, right here in my belly. Every day. And although it's a cliche, I will have to say that all the struggles, the tears, the meds, the appointments, the blood draws and even almost weighing 200 lbs... totally worth it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
And Here is Where I Complain
Well, let me correct myself. I'm not actually complaining because I wouldn't change any of it even if I could. It's more like I'm telling you what is happening inside this little baby machine I got goin' on.
Oh my fucking hell I AM UNCOMFORTABLE.
ALREADY.
The other night, I was laying on my bed with my clothes all pulled off so nothing annoying was touching me and I was talking myself through it, telling myself I only have 6 weeks left. I can do this. I won't get too much bigger in only 6 weeks.
Then my math skillz came back to me and I realized I don't have 6 weeks left. DUH. I have 12 weeks left. Apparently my brain was not okay with this because it took me counting my weeks and the calendar like 8 times before I came to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be able to poop or breathe again for 12 more weeks. (But hopefully 10 because I'm thinking he's coming early. On April 2nd.)
So today I rolled into work in yoga pants, a tank top and a sweater. I've already shed the sweater because it's a thousand degrees in here. I'm pretty much farting every 8 seconds and right when I do, someone walks in my office to talk about something. I just shrug and say "I'm pregnant."
I'm so charming right now.
Oh my fucking hell I AM UNCOMFORTABLE.
ALREADY.
The other night, I was laying on my bed with my clothes all pulled off so nothing annoying was touching me and I was talking myself through it, telling myself I only have 6 weeks left. I can do this. I won't get too much bigger in only 6 weeks.
Then my math skillz came back to me and I realized I don't have 6 weeks left. DUH. I have 12 weeks left. Apparently my brain was not okay with this because it took me counting my weeks and the calendar like 8 times before I came to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be able to poop or breathe again for 12 more weeks. (But hopefully 10 because I'm thinking he's coming early. On April 2nd.)
So today I rolled into work in yoga pants, a tank top and a sweater. I've already shed the sweater because it's a thousand degrees in here. I'm pretty much farting every 8 seconds and right when I do, someone walks in my office to talk about something. I just shrug and say "I'm pregnant."
I'm so charming right now.
Monday, January 3, 2011
OMG
The other night, I was lying in bed, blissfully thinking about my baby. He was kicking and wiggling and possibly having convulsions and I was so happy. Until I came to the following realization:
I have to squeeze this baby out of my vagina.
I realize that I should have thought about this sooner, but it's been 7 damn years since I had a baby and this is the first time I thought about how for weeks after his birth it was painful to poop and stung a little to pee. I walked around like I had just dismounted a horse and had pads the size of pillows between my legs.
My lady parts have long since recovered but now I'm about to do it to them all over again and damn I'm scared! I know they'll heal and I'll forget again, but not having a period for the last 6 months has been fucking fantastic and in a few weeks I will have the world's longest period AND sore pee-pee-itis.
I have to squeeze this baby out of my vagina.
I realize that I should have thought about this sooner, but it's been 7 damn years since I had a baby and this is the first time I thought about how for weeks after his birth it was painful to poop and stung a little to pee. I walked around like I had just dismounted a horse and had pads the size of pillows between my legs.
My lady parts have long since recovered but now I'm about to do it to them all over again and damn I'm scared! I know they'll heal and I'll forget again, but not having a period for the last 6 months has been fucking fantastic and in a few weeks I will have the world's longest period AND sore pee-pee-itis.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Uh, I Was Calling About, Um, My Vagina?
My body is weirding me out. I mean, I have a lot of weirdo stuff happening right now. I've called my doctor twice in the last 2 days.
Wednesday night I was having Braxton Hicks contractions. They told me to call if I ever had more than 4 in an hour. If I just sat there and did nothing, I didn't have any, but if I stood up, I would instantly have one. I don't know about you, but I have to stand up to go anywhere or get anything done. And I definitely have to stand up to walk to the bathroom to pee every 10 minutes. So I wasn't sure what to do. So I waited it out and luckily they haven't been as bad since. Maybe I just overdid it that day? Who knows.
Now I'm having some other issues that I'm sure you don't care to know about and I don't care to tell. But I had to call the doctor again and leave a message for the nurse in reference to my vagina. If you've never left somebody a message about your vagina, you should give it a try. It's pretty much impossible not to stammer and say uh, um, and clear your throat 5 times.
Next up, my bowels. Yeah, my bowels. Skip this paragraph if you don't want to know. Pregnancy fucks up your pooping schedule. I've had a rough go of the poo the last few days and today (at work of course) finally got sweet relief. I think the whole building might have heard me exclaim "HOORAY FOR POOPING!!!" I wonder if I could incorporate that into a Christmas song.
Wednesday night I was having Braxton Hicks contractions. They told me to call if I ever had more than 4 in an hour. If I just sat there and did nothing, I didn't have any, but if I stood up, I would instantly have one. I don't know about you, but I have to stand up to go anywhere or get anything done. And I definitely have to stand up to walk to the bathroom to pee every 10 minutes. So I wasn't sure what to do. So I waited it out and luckily they haven't been as bad since. Maybe I just overdid it that day? Who knows.
Now I'm having some other issues that I'm sure you don't care to know about and I don't care to tell. But I had to call the doctor again and leave a message for the nurse in reference to my vagina. If you've never left somebody a message about your vagina, you should give it a try. It's pretty much impossible not to stammer and say uh, um, and clear your throat 5 times.
Next up, my bowels. Yeah, my bowels. Skip this paragraph if you don't want to know. Pregnancy fucks up your pooping schedule. I've had a rough go of the poo the last few days and today (at work of course) finally got sweet relief. I think the whole building might have heard me exclaim "HOORAY FOR POOPING!!!" I wonder if I could incorporate that into a Christmas song.
Monday, November 22, 2010
My New Drug
A couple weeks ago, I thought I felt the baby move. I pretty much always either have gas or have to poop though so I couldn't be sure if it was the delight of my uterus or my intestines that I was actually feeling.
I kept paying close attention, however, and the movements have gotten stronger and easier to recognize. By last week, I was sure that it was actually the human moving and began to try to feel him move from the outside as well.
And now I'm obsessed.
Anytime he moves, I am like a junkie with a needle... that's all I can focus on. If I don't feel movement for a little while, I start jabbing my fingers into my guts to try and get a little wiggle out of him. Hubs was able to feel some movement on Saturday night (which was also my birthday and we were staying at a romantic bed and breakfast at the time. I know right?)
You see, this is one of those moments, one of the feelings and experiences you pray for in the throes of infertility. I remember many cries when all I could think about was how I longed to feel little feet kicking me from the inside, and how I thought I was never again going to be able to live through that and know the magic that it brings to your heart.
And now it's mine. And I get to keep it for four and a half more months. And I could probably die from the happiness.
I kept paying close attention, however, and the movements have gotten stronger and easier to recognize. By last week, I was sure that it was actually the human moving and began to try to feel him move from the outside as well.
And now I'm obsessed.
Anytime he moves, I am like a junkie with a needle... that's all I can focus on. If I don't feel movement for a little while, I start jabbing my fingers into my guts to try and get a little wiggle out of him. Hubs was able to feel some movement on Saturday night (which was also my birthday and we were staying at a romantic bed and breakfast at the time. I know right?)
You see, this is one of those moments, one of the feelings and experiences you pray for in the throes of infertility. I remember many cries when all I could think about was how I longed to feel little feet kicking me from the inside, and how I thought I was never again going to be able to live through that and know the magic that it brings to your heart.
And now it's mine. And I get to keep it for four and a half more months. And I could probably die from the happiness.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
As if I Have a Say
Since it has been so long since I was pregnant (successfully,) I sort of thought that this pregnancy would go a certain way. For example, I know that people say you show a lot earlier with subsequent pregnancies, but I thought since it had been awhile and I was a rock star triathlete* and worker outer over the last few years that my muscles were probably back to normal shape and I wouldn't show early. WRONG. I think I started showing at about 8 weeks. Of course, I was also a champion beer drinker over the last few years so I also weighed about 10 more pounds starting out this time.
I was never sick a single day with my first pregnancy. Sure I got a little nauseous here and there, but nothing consistent and I never actually threw up. I've heard of ladies who hurl their whole first pregnancy and then pregnancies after that seem to go more smoothly. Well, yesterday, I started coughing (oh because I've been sick for 4 weeks now) and when I coughed up some goo, it set off my gag reflex and I started vomiting in the kitchen sink. So it was a combination cough and throw up that sent my poor son and husband running in to check on me because it sounded like I might be dying.
Oh yeah and during the cough/vomit fest, I peed my pants.
So it's turned out to be a less than glamorous pregnancy for me, but on the upside, my skin looks great and I'm growing a human. So... I've got that going for me. Which is nice.
*Ok so I only did 2 sprint triathlons and I really sucked at them, but I think you qualify as a rock star if you finish.
I was never sick a single day with my first pregnancy. Sure I got a little nauseous here and there, but nothing consistent and I never actually threw up. I've heard of ladies who hurl their whole first pregnancy and then pregnancies after that seem to go more smoothly. Well, yesterday, I started coughing (oh because I've been sick for 4 weeks now) and when I coughed up some goo, it set off my gag reflex and I started vomiting in the kitchen sink. So it was a combination cough and throw up that sent my poor son and husband running in to check on me because it sounded like I might be dying.
Oh yeah and during the cough/vomit fest, I peed my pants.
So it's turned out to be a less than glamorous pregnancy for me, but on the upside, my skin looks great and I'm growing a human. So... I've got that going for me. Which is nice.
*Ok so I only did 2 sprint triathlons and I really sucked at them, but I think you qualify as a rock star if you finish.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Guess What Today Is?
Ultrasound day! Seriously. I am 16 weeks today and they will do a gender check for me at my appointment today.
I am so excited I can't sit still.
My son is coming with us to the appointment and so is my mom. My son has been counting down the days and can barely stand it.
I just can't believe it's happening.
Before I left for work, I used the doppler to check for the heartbeat. Just in case.
It was still there.
I think I'm having a baby!
I am so excited I can't sit still.
My son is coming with us to the appointment and so is my mom. My son has been counting down the days and can barely stand it.
I just can't believe it's happening.
Before I left for work, I used the doppler to check for the heartbeat. Just in case.
It was still there.
I think I'm having a baby!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Hooray for my Pregnancy!
I know I've said that I have begun embracing this pregnancy, but I've been hesitant to write about it because I wanted to be sensitive to the IF community I'm part of.
Well, I've decided that even if I lose readers, it's time to make this blog more about my pregnancy and less about my infertility. Perhaps I'll gain a different set of readers. There's just so much built up in me that I have to get out.
So here goes. What the fuck is UP with my boobs??? I mean, WOW, these things have taken on a life of their own. It's amazing. I mean I've never been small chested by any means, but I am moving up into the DD's or maybe even larger. I haven't been sized or bought new bras because I'm a cheap ass. I just deal with the fact that my nipples fall out when I bend over.
And speaking of nipples.... um, mine are ginormous and weird looking and sort of space shippy. I remember my boobs getting weird with my son too, but that was like forever ago so this is new to me again.
So yeah, big huge boobs and my belly is already getting huge too. I have attached a photo for your viewing pleasure. This is at 14 weeks and my large belly is making my boobs look smaller, but trust me, these babies are worthy of a dirty magazine.
Well, I've decided that even if I lose readers, it's time to make this blog more about my pregnancy and less about my infertility. Perhaps I'll gain a different set of readers. There's just so much built up in me that I have to get out.
So here goes. What the fuck is UP with my boobs??? I mean, WOW, these things have taken on a life of their own. It's amazing. I mean I've never been small chested by any means, but I am moving up into the DD's or maybe even larger. I haven't been sized or bought new bras because I'm a cheap ass. I just deal with the fact that my nipples fall out when I bend over.
And speaking of nipples.... um, mine are ginormous and weird looking and sort of space shippy. I remember my boobs getting weird with my son too, but that was like forever ago so this is new to me again.
So yeah, big huge boobs and my belly is already getting huge too. I have attached a photo for your viewing pleasure. This is at 14 weeks and my large belly is making my boobs look smaller, but trust me, these babies are worthy of a dirty magazine.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Yay ICLW!
Well it's ICLW time again. I've taken the last few months off because in July, I got pregnant. So, if you're not into reading pregnant blogs, I totally understand and won't be offended if you click away right now.
If you are willing to take a peek, then you will see that even though my fertility struggle seems to be over, it was 3 long years of miscarriages, doctors, crying and lots of sex for sure. I'm still seeing the doctors, just to keep me on the straight and narrow and every once in awhile I give it up to my husband now, but it's nothing like the hump fest we had for 3 years.
I'm due in April and at this point I look like I have a beer belly (well, because I do) and I also seem to be farting a lot. It's fun and exciting and slightly foreign since it has been 7 years now since my first bebe. I still haven't bought a thing for this pregnancy because somewhere, my infertile recurrent miscarrying self is still rearing her ugly head and not letting me believe in it. I hope to get there soon, but in the meantime, I'm still feeling a little pessimistic and A LOT scared.
P.S. Even though this post doesn't make it evident, I say fuck a whole lot and also yell at ignorant slut bags and morons even more.
If you are willing to take a peek, then you will see that even though my fertility struggle seems to be over, it was 3 long years of miscarriages, doctors, crying and lots of sex for sure. I'm still seeing the doctors, just to keep me on the straight and narrow and every once in awhile I give it up to my husband now, but it's nothing like the hump fest we had for 3 years.
I'm due in April and at this point I look like I have a beer belly (well, because I do) and I also seem to be farting a lot. It's fun and exciting and slightly foreign since it has been 7 years now since my first bebe. I still haven't bought a thing for this pregnancy because somewhere, my infertile recurrent miscarrying self is still rearing her ugly head and not letting me believe in it. I hope to get there soon, but in the meantime, I'm still feeling a little pessimistic and A LOT scared.
P.S. Even though this post doesn't make it evident, I say fuck a whole lot and also yell at ignorant slut bags and morons even more.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Everything's Not Fine
Everything IS fine with the baby.
Everything is not fine with my brain. I've dealt with some depression issues before and it seems like I'm dealing with some now.
I didn't even realize it until one of my good friends told me yesterday that she was diagnosed with post-partum depression. She told me all the causes and her symptoms. I started laughing (at myself not her) and asked her if you could have PPD while you are still pregnant. And well, yes, you sure can.
My next doctor appointment is Monday so I'm planning on discussing it with her.
Nothing about this pregnancy is the same. Nothing.
Everything is not fine with my brain. I've dealt with some depression issues before and it seems like I'm dealing with some now.
I didn't even realize it until one of my good friends told me yesterday that she was diagnosed with post-partum depression. She told me all the causes and her symptoms. I started laughing (at myself not her) and asked her if you could have PPD while you are still pregnant. And well, yes, you sure can.
My next doctor appointment is Monday so I'm planning on discussing it with her.
Nothing about this pregnancy is the same. Nothing.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Blog Changes and How I'm an Urban Legend
We saw the baby today. It moved and it's heart was beating. I'm 10 weeks and taking this seriously now.
Therefore, new blog name that I'm not sure I'm crazy about so it might change again and I updated my info so everyone will know that my situation has changed and I have overcome mightily being fertility challenged.
Next - I figured out that I am an urban legend. I was on clomid for 3 months and didn't get pregnant. They told me to take a break from the drugs so I decided to make it a total break. I didn't track my cycle (well not diligently anyway.) I only had sex with my husband when I wanted to, which I kinda forgot what that was like. We took a vacation, which is theoretically when we conceived.
This will be the ONLY time ever that I will admit to these facts because I'm quite positive that they had absolutely NOTHING to do with it, but just wanted to point out how Mother Naturefucks with me has a sense of humor.
Therefore, new blog name that I'm not sure I'm crazy about so it might change again and I updated my info so everyone will know that my situation has changed and I have overcome mightily being fertility challenged.
Next - I figured out that I am an urban legend. I was on clomid for 3 months and didn't get pregnant. They told me to take a break from the drugs so I decided to make it a total break. I didn't track my cycle (well not diligently anyway.) I only had sex with my husband when I wanted to, which I kinda forgot what that was like. We took a vacation, which is theoretically when we conceived.
This will be the ONLY time ever that I will admit to these facts because I'm quite positive that they had absolutely NOTHING to do with it, but just wanted to point out how Mother Nature
Monday, September 13, 2010
How to Talk to Your In-Laws About Constipation
I went to my in-laws this weekend. They are older than my parents by quite a bit so it's always interesting spending time with them. Super fun and all, but just different.
We eat dinner (after seemingly hours of farm work) at 9:00 p.m. Even when I'm not pregnant, I am a hugebitch pain in the ass when I'm hungry. When I am pregnant, like now, I am a nauseous huge pain in the ass.
Oh yeah, and I hadn't pooped for like, oh I don't know, EVER.
So I'm hungry, grumpy, constipated and nauseous. Nice right?
I decided to go to bed after dinner because I feel like total ass. Hubs came to check on me and I asked him to get me some PRUNE juice. As in what old farts drink. So yeah, he gets me some PRUNE (disgusting ass) juice and has a discussion with his mom about my constipation problems.
Saaaa-weeeeet!!!
So the next morning, I wake up to both his mom and dad giving me advice on what to eat to cure my constipation problems. Awkward. His mom had even cut up a bowl of fruit for me to eat. It was really sweet, but I'm really only comfortable discussing my uncomfortable bowels with my Hubs.
He's so pleased.
We eat dinner (after seemingly hours of farm work) at 9:00 p.m. Even when I'm not pregnant, I am a huge
Oh yeah, and I hadn't pooped for like, oh I don't know, EVER.
So I'm hungry, grumpy, constipated and nauseous. Nice right?
I decided to go to bed after dinner because I feel like total ass. Hubs came to check on me and I asked him to get me some PRUNE juice. As in what old farts drink. So yeah, he gets me some PRUNE (disgusting ass) juice and has a discussion with his mom about my constipation problems.
Saaaa-weeeeet!!!
So the next morning, I wake up to both his mom and dad giving me advice on what to eat to cure my constipation problems. Awkward. His mom had even cut up a bowl of fruit for me to eat. It was really sweet, but I'm really only comfortable discussing my uncomfortable bowels with my Hubs.
He's so pleased.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Evolution of My Fear
Of course with infertility there are a great number of fears. The what ifs of having something wrong with you or your husband, or if you'll ever get pregnant or if you're less of a woman because your body isn't working out quite right.
Then there are the fears of repeat miscarriage, which are somewhat the same as infertility, although there are some very different, very scary fears there as well.
So after over 8 weeks of pregnancy, I have discovered new fears, beyond miscarriage. Very unexpected fears. Fears that I really never gave ANY thought to, and are now just creeping up since this pregnancy dream seems to be coming to fruition:
1 - I have no fucking clue what to do with a newborn.
2 - All I own is a crib and a few baby clothes.
3 - How in the world can we afford a baby?
I realize I should have given thought to these fears a long time ago, but I was so focused on actually getting myself knocked up that I failed to see the forest through the trees. I guess since I wasn't sure it would ever happen, I didn't worry needlessly about other fears.
Although come to think of it, that is so not like me. Hmm. Weird.
Then there are the fears of repeat miscarriage, which are somewhat the same as infertility, although there are some very different, very scary fears there as well.
So after over 8 weeks of pregnancy, I have discovered new fears, beyond miscarriage. Very unexpected fears. Fears that I really never gave ANY thought to, and are now just creeping up since this pregnancy dream seems to be coming to fruition:
1 - I have no fucking clue what to do with a newborn.
2 - All I own is a crib and a few baby clothes.
3 - How in the world can we afford a baby?
I realize I should have given thought to these fears a long time ago, but I was so focused on actually getting myself knocked up that I failed to see the forest through the trees. I guess since I wasn't sure it would ever happen, I didn't worry needlessly about other fears.
Although come to think of it, that is so not like me. Hmm. Weird.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Knock Knock. Who's There?
I remember my first pregnancy as being all magical with sparkles and rainbows and stuff. It was 7 god damn years ago, so maybe I have just blocked out the bad and only remembered the unicorns and glitter parts. Or maybe I was only 25 and all in love and wondrous and shit so I just had a great time.
I dunno.
But this time I am a raving lunatic slash bitch from hell slash nightmare.
I called at least 4 drivers assholes on the way to work this morning. I flipped someone off. I called my husband a fucking idiot a half dozen times (not to his face obviously.) I've gained 2 pounds in a week because all I want is pizza and Chick Fil A. And I nap on the couch 2-3 times a day.
It's just shocking how I feel hungover and crazy every day. I'm really not complaining, honest. Although other people are starting to....
Fucking morons.
I dunno.
But this time I am a raving lunatic slash bitch from hell slash nightmare.
I called at least 4 drivers assholes on the way to work this morning. I flipped someone off. I called my husband a fucking idiot a half dozen times (not to his face obviously.) I've gained 2 pounds in a week because all I want is pizza and Chick Fil A. And I nap on the couch 2-3 times a day.
It's just shocking how I feel hungover and crazy every day. I'm really not complaining, honest. Although other people are starting to....
Fucking morons.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Ultrasound Day
I started crying while we were waiting for the doctor to come in. I was so scared.
He found a sac, a yolk sac, fetal pole and thank the Universe, a heartbeat. It took a minute to get the heartbeat but it was there.
We aren't out of the woods yet, of course, but it's a good step.
I wish I felt better. I still feel incredibly unsettled about the whole thing. I started a conversation with myself about when I am going to feel better about it. At first I thought it would be when my betas doubled. That's happened twice. Still unsettled. Then I thought it would be when I had symptoms. I have them all. Still unsettled. Ok, when we see a heartbeat.
Still not it.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have lost 3 babies. 3. This unsettled feeling may not ever go away. I might be taking a newborn home in April and still not believe that everything is going to be ok. That's the thing about the nightmare of recurrent miscarriage - it never ends. I hope I can wake up from it and be happy soon, but for now I am taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.
He found a sac, a yolk sac, fetal pole and thank the Universe, a heartbeat. It took a minute to get the heartbeat but it was there.
We aren't out of the woods yet, of course, but it's a good step.
I wish I felt better. I still feel incredibly unsettled about the whole thing. I started a conversation with myself about when I am going to feel better about it. At first I thought it would be when my betas doubled. That's happened twice. Still unsettled. Then I thought it would be when I had symptoms. I have them all. Still unsettled. Ok, when we see a heartbeat.
Still not it.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have lost 3 babies. 3. This unsettled feeling may not ever go away. I might be taking a newborn home in April and still not believe that everything is going to be ok. That's the thing about the nightmare of recurrent miscarriage - it never ends. I hope I can wake up from it and be happy soon, but for now I am taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I'm CA-RAZY!
I swear in like a week I will start writing more funny, interesting posts that aren't all neurotic and pregnancy related, but for now, I am deeply engrossed in crazy lady land and can't seem to dig myself out.
I started spotting last night. I mean, it wasn't even close to a murder scene or anything resembling anything close to bad at all. But it was there. And it scared me.
Went for another beta and while in the waiting room I skimmed through this book on how to get through infertility with your sanity (AS IF!) Anyway, one of the suggestions in the book was to listen to classical music because of it's calming effects. It said that if you listen to music with cello in it that you are supposed to feel that in your lower abdomen and that it can bring calm to your body there.
Remember how I said I'm crazy? Well I went straight to work and turned on Internet radio to classical music with cello in it. I gotta say I didn't feel it in my lady parts or anything but it was quite relaxing.
And on to the good news The beta was over 14,000. I didn't get the whole number because I started crying.
Ultrasound on Monday.
I started spotting last night. I mean, it wasn't even close to a murder scene or anything resembling anything close to bad at all. But it was there. And it scared me.
Went for another beta and while in the waiting room I skimmed through this book on how to get through infertility with your sanity (AS IF!) Anyway, one of the suggestions in the book was to listen to classical music because of it's calming effects. It said that if you listen to music with cello in it that you are supposed to feel that in your lower abdomen and that it can bring calm to your body there.
Remember how I said I'm crazy? Well I went straight to work and turned on Internet radio to classical music with cello in it. I gotta say I didn't feel it in my lady parts or anything but it was quite relaxing.
And on to the good news The beta was over 14,000. I didn't get the whole number because I started crying.
Ultrasound on Monday.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Signs
I'm pretty much alternating between crying, nodding off, and wanting to vomit.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Monday, August 16, 2010
How IF Has Turned Me Into a Crazy Lady
I've only checked the TP for spotting a half dozen times so far. Ok, a half dozen times a day. But I pee like 18 times a day, so my ratio is pretty good. By the way, the peeing frequency is NOT pregnancy related. I always have to pee that much. It's borderline ridiculous.
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I went ahead and took a leap and signed up for the weekly pregnancy emails. The one I got today says "Your Pregnancy: 5 Weeks." When I first saw it, I got a little thrill, like oh yeah! I'm actually pregnant. Then realized that I haven't made it to the Week 6 email for 7 years. Come on Week 6 email!
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My neuroses are kicking in full swing. My acupuncturist thinks I'm crazy and gives me these not-so-subtle talks about how I need to relax and stop calling the doctor. Your pulse feels just great! Ok well I'm not well versed in how my pulse predicts whether my life is going to turn out the way I want it to, but I'm trying to take her word for it.
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2nd beta was Saturday and was 2,350. Sooooo more than double, which is good.
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I went ahead and took a leap and signed up for the weekly pregnancy emails. The one I got today says "Your Pregnancy: 5 Weeks." When I first saw it, I got a little thrill, like oh yeah! I'm actually pregnant. Then realized that I haven't made it to the Week 6 email for 7 years. Come on Week 6 email!
_____________________________
My neuroses are kicking in full swing. My acupuncturist thinks I'm crazy and gives me these not-so-subtle talks about how I need to relax and stop calling the doctor. Your pulse feels just great! Ok well I'm not well versed in how my pulse predicts whether my life is going to turn out the way I want it to, but I'm trying to take her word for it.
_____________________________
2nd beta was Saturday and was 2,350. Sooooo more than double, which is good.
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