Random Weekend Conversations

1.  When I was a teenager and possibly into my early 20's, I may or may not have indulged in an herbal drug occasionally.  I started dating a guy who used this particular herb 4 or 5 times a day.  He's not exactly the guy I brag about dating, but he was sweet and became my boyfriend for a few months.  One day I decided that we should partake of the herb and have intercourse.  (Don't you love it when people call it intercourse?)  I hadn't really had a lot of intercourse up until this boyfriend, so it was like a new experience to plan it around something as outstanding as drugs. 
After the partaking, I immediately wanted pizza.  I mean, who wouldn't?  So we ordered a pizza and I convinced boyfriend to massage my calves.  I have no idea why.  Then I fell asleep with the pizza on my chest.  He tried to wake me for the intercourse and I slapped his hand away and went back to pizza dreamland.  Oops.

2.  It appears that I base my initial like or dislike of people on whether or not they think I'm funny.  I met a girl awhile ago that laughed at my jokes all night and I immediately wanted to make out with her.  Then another weekend I met a girl who thought everything that came out of my mouth was super UN-funny and I really hated that bitch.  So if you want to be my BFF, you better fucking laugh at my jokes dick.

3.  I am now crying at everything and I leak pee.  Laughing, crying, sneezing or coughing equals peeing in my pantaloons.  Fun.

As if I Have a Say

Since it has been so long since I was pregnant (successfully,)  I sort of thought that this pregnancy would go a certain way.  For example, I know that people say you show a lot earlier with subsequent pregnancies, but I thought since it had been awhile and I was a rock star triathlete* and worker outer over the last few years that my muscles were probably back to normal shape and I wouldn't show early.  WRONG.  I think I started showing at about 8 weeks.  Of course, I was also a champion beer drinker over the last few years so I also weighed about 10 more pounds starting out this time.

I was never sick a single day with my first pregnancy.  Sure I got a little nauseous here and there, but nothing consistent and I never actually threw up.  I've heard of ladies who hurl their whole first pregnancy and then pregnancies after that seem to go more smoothly.  Well, yesterday, I started coughing (oh because I've been sick for 4 weeks now) and when I coughed up some goo, it set off my gag reflex and I started vomiting in the kitchen sink.  So it was a combination cough and throw up that sent my poor son and husband running in to check on me because it sounded like I might be dying. 

Oh yeah and during the cough/vomit fest, I peed my pants.

So it's turned out to be a less than glamorous pregnancy for me, but on the upside, my skin looks great and I'm growing a human.  So... I've got that going for me.  Which is nice.


*Ok so I only did 2 sprint triathlons and I really sucked at them, but I think you qualify as a rock star if you finish.

Hooray for my Pregnancy!

I know I've said that I have begun embracing this pregnancy, but I've been hesitant to write about it because I wanted to be sensitive to the IF community I'm part of.

Well, I've decided that even if I lose readers, it's time to make this blog more about my pregnancy and less about my infertility.  Perhaps I'll gain a different set of readers.  There's just so much built up in me that I have to get out.

So here goes.  What the fuck is UP with my boobs???  I mean, WOW, these things have taken on a life of their own.  It's amazing.  I mean I've never been small chested by any means, but I am moving up into the DD's or maybe even larger.  I haven't been sized or bought new bras because I'm a cheap ass.  I just deal with the fact that my nipples fall out when I bend over.

And speaking of nipples.... um, mine are ginormous and weird looking and sort of space shippy.  I remember my boobs getting weird with my son too, but that was like forever ago so this is new to me again.

So yeah, big huge boobs and my belly is already getting huge too.  I have attached a photo for your viewing pleasure.  This is at 14 weeks and my large belly is making my boobs look smaller, but trust me, these babies are worthy of a dirty magazine.

How to Talk to Your In-Laws About Constipation

I went to my in-laws this weekend.  They are older than my parents by quite a bit so it's always interesting spending time with them.  Super fun and all, but just different.

We eat dinner (after seemingly hours of farm work) at 9:00 p.m.  Even when I'm not pregnant, I am a huge bitch pain in the ass when I'm hungry.  When I am pregnant, like now, I am a nauseous huge pain in the ass.

Oh yeah, and I hadn't pooped for like, oh I don't know, EVER.

So I'm hungry, grumpy, constipated and nauseous.  Nice right?

I decided to go to bed after dinner because I feel like total ass.  Hubs came to check on me and I asked him to get me some PRUNE juice.  As in what old farts drink.  So yeah, he gets me some PRUNE (disgusting ass) juice and has a discussion with his mom about my constipation problems. 

Saaaa-weeeeet!!!

So the next morning, I wake up to both his mom and dad giving me advice on what to eat to cure my constipation problems.  Awkward.  His mom had even cut up a bowl of fruit for me to eat.  It was really sweet, but I'm really only comfortable discussing my uncomfortable bowels with my Hubs. 

He's so pleased.

Reasons I Should Starting Doing Cocaine

Last night I was hanging out with a bunch of girlfriends for a birthday party.  I looked around the room and realized that I am, by far, the fattest of all my friends.  I am a size 12 and don't normally look at myself in the mirror with disgust.  But my friends are like fucking models.  Seriously.  There were like 12 of us and the closest 2nd was probably a size 6.

So I left that party to join a different party with my normal sized friends.  We were discussing how there are so many skinny bitches in the world and why we aren't one of them.  We have concluded that skinny bitches

A - don't eat, and
B - use cocaine

Oh blah blah blah if you're skinny and you're like, "I eat like a fucking horse and I have never ever touched cocaine.  I just have good metabolism!"  I'm super happy for you.

Next, I thought of all the drug addicts out there and how they seem to have no problems getting pregnant.  So HELLO reason #2!  Cocaine is looking pretty good now ain't it?

Finally, today I suffered through an allergy test because I have chronic sinusitis and recurrent sinus infections so I was wondering if maybe I have allergies.  Well, guess what Mother Nature, you win again!  I am not allergic to ANYTHING.  My sinuses are just fucked up.  Maybe if I snort some coke it'll help with that situation too.  I mean it couldn't really get any worse.

Dear everyone, I'm just kidding.  I don't do drugs and I'm not going to start.  And I'm really glad you're skinny and eat salads for lunch every day.

Because I Said So

For the love of everything holy, please go to this website and watch this video.  If you don't come back to my blog, I will know that you died laughing.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Might as Well be a 900 Number

I called my doctor yesterday to discuss the next steps.  As I've said before, he wants me to take a 2 month break from meds and we had discussed possibly doing a laparoscopy.  So they said I could do a phone follow-up rather than coming in to the office for one.  The call lasted 24 minutes and since it's still considered a follow up, I will have to pay the $60 copay and my insurance will have to pay, oh I don't know, like, their 1st QUARTER REVENUES.

Damn, doctors are greedy bastards.

Anyway, we decided against the lap (woo hoo!) and I am just going to give them a call after this cycle and talk about possibly trying femara and fsh.

Or my acupuncturist is going to prove that those old Asian dudes really knew what they were talking about for the past 3000 years.  That would be fun.

Oh yeah and my RE is Asian.  So that would be double fun.

I feel like these statements might be borderline racist or something.

But they're not, fuckers  Stop being so damn sensitive.

Don't Read This Post (or my blog) if You Are Easily Offended

Do you ever amuse yourself without any prompting whatsoever?

I'm not talking about masturbation. That's for a different post. Or seven.

What I'm referring to is how sometimes I will just be thinking about something I found funny, or something I think could possibly be funny in the future and I will start laughing out loud to myself.

People must think I'm crazy.

Like sometimes I think it would be really funny to have a baby shower at a bar. Not like a for real baby shower, but one that is staged so that everyone else in the bar thinks I have no class and possibly a mental illness. I can just picture myself at the bar with balloons around the tables that say "It's a Girl!" and then people are sending me fake shots of sprite and grenadine (pink.)

I can literally have fantasies like this in my head all day long and giggle to myself about what a comical genius I am.

Maybe. I. Am. Crazy.

Why I Love Children

Bugs: "Mom, is invisible a color?"
Me: "Uh... that's a good question."


Bugs: "Mom, in the 70's, was it black and white?"
Me: "Was what black and white?"
Bugs: "You know, on tv how it's black and white?"
Me: "Oh... no, there were color tv's in the 70's."
Bugs: "Not, NOT tv's.... was it black and white OUTSIDE?"
(He was thinking since old shows are in black and white that the actual world was also black and white.)


I was playing with B (my friend's daughter) and trying to get her to come over to me so I could tickle her.
Me: "B, come here for a second. I have something REALLY REALLY important to tell you."
B: "Is it about Jesus?"
Me: "No, it is not about Jesus."

Mother Nature Hates Me

I really have a lot of respect for nature. I mean, how complicated is just one single cell, let alone a plant or a person or an animal all put together and functioning. During an anatomy class a few years ago, the professor was speaking of the intricacies of the human kidney and how it is formed in a fetus. I remember thinking that it was amazing that any of us were even alive if the mere kidney was so complex.

That being said, when it comes to this human, Mother Nature is a bitch!

I mean come on! Do I really have to have PMS during the very week that I find out I am not pregnant? It's a flawed design if you ask me. I think that you should only get PMS if you ARE pregnant because then at least it would be worth it.

Also, I think if you are infertile that you should automatically be your goal weight. You're infertile? Well GOOD NEWS!! You now have a six pack and a perfect ass. You get to eat whatever you want and wear a bikini anyway. Congratulations!

Instead it's: you're infertile? Oh shit, here's some fertility drugs- they are going to make you crazy, make you pack on a few pounds, and give you such horrible headaches and periods that you would rather die than go for a jog. Don't let the door hit you in the fat ass on your way out.

I propose a truce Mother Nature: give me what I want and I'll stop talking shit about you.

Fail

So last week, my vagina was taking a nap. Hubs was over it. He was ready to resume good sex life part of the month. And this is the story of how he did NOT get laid.

Hubs, "Do you want to go to bed so we can do it?"

Me, "Babe, you can't just tell me you want to do it and expect me to be instantly turned on. You have to work a little."

Hubs (while rolling his eyes,) "I work ALL DAY."


So then we did not do it.

TMI

So I have this little tracker at the bottom of my blog. I swear I don't use it to keep tabs on anyone, I am just curious as to whether anyone gives a shit about what I have to say or if I should just resume talking to myself and not bother to put it out in cyber space.

So one of the features I like about the ticker thing is that if someone finds my blog by way of a google search, it tells me what they were searching for. I've been pleased to see that most searchers find me because they too are struggling with infertility. But not yesterday. Yesterday someone found me by searching for

"horses fucking womens"

Now my memory is not that great, but I'm pretty sure I've never written about THAT! Maybe I should be a little more choosy about how much I use the F word!

Shit Happens

This post is really gross and is about poop. If you don't want to read it, stop now and I will not be offended. I promise.

Seriously, stop reading now if you have a weak stomach.

Last chance. It's pretty disgusting.


So last night I went to my girlfriend's house and she and her husband made bbq'ed pizza (OMG it was delicious!) I held, fed, and played with their sweet baby girl. It was much needed friend/baby time and I loved it.

Between us and another couple that was there, we went through 2 bottles of wine, which was also pretty great. There's nothing like sitting outside in nice weather with your bestie, yummy food, a glass of wine, and a baby on your lap. Afterwords all the girls decided to go see Sex and the City 2, which was super cheesy but I still loved it.

The climax of the evening was when I headed home and halfway there got an unsettling gurgle in my gut. You know the kind where you're pretty sure you are going to have some type of explosion happening at any moment. I continued driving and called hubs to keep me company on the drive and also to distract me from the flurry of activity in my digestive tract. In doing this, I went ahead and missed my exit, adding about 10 more minutes to the drive.

I got the urgent need to GO right as I pulled into my driveway. I wriggled around in my seat and frantically pushed my garage door button. I started breaking a sweat just as I pulled into the garage. I ran into the house and towards my bathroom, and then...

I shit my pants.

We have an exchange student living with us and he was sitting at the kitchen table as I ran by trying to get to the toilet. Hopefully he didn't realize what was happening at that moment.

Why am I telling you this? I'm not sure. It just seems relevant to the shit storm that my life seems to be right now! Also, it's kinda funny that I am 31 and I shit my pants. So hopefully you are laughing right now and not throwing up in your mouth a little.

Distractions

I am known as a sarcastic prankster. Some people say I am mean, but I'm not. I just like to tease people and play jokes on them. Have you read Chelsea Handler's book "My Horizontal Life"? Each chapter in the book is about a one night stand.

It's awesome.

She is super funny and lies about random nonsense that doesn't even warrant a lie. In one chapter, she pretends to be her own twin, Kelsea. So this gave one of my besties and me an idea. For awhile, when we went out, we told people we were twins (Chelsea and Kelsea) but we had different dads. You see, our mom had 2 uteri (is that a word?) and had 2 different lovers that got her pregnant in each uterus.

Anyway, I hang out with Chelsea a couple times a month for girl time and for messing with people. This week, I met a friend of hers, we'll call him Tad. She warned me before he got there that he was sometimes a little inappropriate but was a nice guy. I think Chelsea forgot just how inappropriate we are together. We were all chatting at the fire pit and joking about falling in the fire. There was a grate over the fire with a large dent in it and Tad asked me if I had made the dent when I fell in.

My reply, "Are you saying I'm fat?"

Silence... then laughter.

More chatting and then Tad was trying to one up me on the inappropriate scale. I turned to the other people at the fire and said, "He just said I'm fat and that he's using me for sex."

Peoples jaws dropped. I thought Tad was going to shit himself.

Then my friends and I just started laughing and made it known that it was a joke. I don't think Tad stopped blushing all night.*

I thought this would be a really funny story and now that I have it typed out it really does seem awful and inappropriate. But this is a true life story of Kelsea and Chelsea and that's just how we roll.



*P.S. Tad recovered but I don't think he wants to hang out with us anymore.