How $100 Can Turn You Into a Crazy Lady

I used to see a therapist and it was pretty much awesome.  (Well except the $100 per hour part.)  Back then, when I felt like crying, I would take deep breaths to hold back the tears.  One day, my shrink said, "Why do you do that?  Why not just cry?" 

I didn't cry because if I cried every time I felt like it, I would be a mess all day every day.  But after that session, I decided to give it a try, and I just went ahead and cried whenever I felt like it.  Oh yeah, and every since.  I can't stop the tears anymore, even if I take huge breaths.  I just look like a blubbering idiot gasping for air.

Yesterday I was in the shower and I started crying.  I was thinking about when my son was born.  My pregnancy with him was like a dream - I was never sick, I loved being pregnant, and when I actually gave birth, I had to push TWICE.  Yep, twice.  Nice right?  Then there was the bliss after he was born of just looking at him and loving him unconditionally already.

And that's what I cried about.

It is just incredible how you can love a little person so instantly with pure raw emotion and without any prejudice on whether or not they'll love you back.  My husband looked at him and said, with tears in his eyes, "I would live or die for him right now."  I would have too, and we both still would to this day.

Happiest day of my life.

Don't Hate Me Because I Started Christmas Shopping

Thanks to everyone for your advice on my last post.  I have decided to keep on truckin' and when I am past the 1st trimester, I will change the name of my blog and most likely, the focus.  I WILL, however, keep saying FUCK a whole lot and probably making fun of random people. 


Next... Bugs's birthday is in December which is a wonderful time to be 9 months pregnant, but a horrible time after about age 3 because that is a lot of gift giving in one month what with the birthday and the Christmas.  So, last year I started shopping in September.  Every paycheck, I would go to the toy store, pick up 1 or 2 gifts and then store them in my closet.

I decided to go ahead with that plan this year because it eliminated the stress of coming up with a ton of extra money all at once in December.  Ok, that's not true at all because I didn't get anyone else a gift except Bugs so I still had to shop for all those assholes.  BUT, I did have Bugs done before his birthday and that was nice because, although I do love giving gifts, I think the whole "buy everyone and their dog a present" for Christmas is kind-of bull shit.  I know people are going to get me stuff, so I feel obligated to get them stuff. 

But I digress.  With today's paycheck, I bought Bugs a Pillow Pet.  Have you seen them?  "It's a pillow.... it's a pet.... It's a PILLOW PET!!"   He has wanted one for like a year but I'm kinda lazy at the Internet ordering plus I hate paying shipping because I'm a cheap ass.  Well now Walgreen's carries them.  Woot woot!  So I stopped and bought the dog one and my god it is so. DAMN. cute!

I might not make it 'til Christmas before I give it to him.  I might not make it past today.

Great Day

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like you just nailed it?  Like life that day, you just did good.  Did it right.

I had one of those days today.

Well right after I fought with my husband.  That didn't go so well, but that was like 9 a.m. so it doesn't even really count as part of the day yet.

After that, I went to the gym and did some mediocre cardio on the elliptical.  Oh and I had to try 3 different machines before I could get one to work.  And I started crying.

This day does NOT sound that amazing so far, but I swear it was.

Next I went to acupuncture and it was awesome of course.  Super relaxing and nappy and delightful.  I was naturally starving when I finished and was near one of my favorite Italian places so I decided to take myself to lunch.

If you've never had a meal at a restaurant by yourself, do it.  Like tomorrow.  It's the best.

So there I was with my spaghetti and meatballs and my bowl of tomato basil soup (insert drooling here.)  It was fabulous and quiet and wonderful.

Next, I went home and napped for 2 hours.  That's right.  2 hours.

Picked Bugs up from school, got him a haircut, got a snack, took him to soccer practice.  Then we came home, hung out together, did 3 pages of homework together.  Then Bugs wanted to practice his soccer skillz, so I busted out mine (I don't have any) and we played soccer together in the living room. 

We just read together for a little bit and then I had him tucked in bed at bedtime.

I feel like I'm a pretty good mom most of the time, but there are these days when I just know that I've made a memory for my son and it was GOOD.  Like soccer in the living room and cuddling with a book.

Nailed it.

Dinner Sucks

I caught the tail end of a cooking show this morning and they were making some delicious cheesy pasta with vegetables.  It looked amazing and I wanted to eat it.  Bugs had soccer practice this evening though so by the time I got around to making dinner, I didn't have the ingredients or the energy to go to the store.  I started digging through the freezer for good old chicken and broccoli (again!) when I discovered something magical.  Last time I went to the store, I bought this frozen pasta chicken vegetable cheesy thing that you just heat up in a skillet.  Um hello Universe?  Thank you very much!  The picture on the bag even LOOKED like the awesome dish on tv.

It wasn't.  It sucked.

So then Bugs and I are both starving and eating the noodles and chicken out of the dish, but that's it.  So we were still hungry.  So then, yes, I, being the mom of all moms, heated up a frozen pizza. 

I sure hope Bugs's gummy bear vitamins are helping him since I can't seem to feed him anything healthy.

Why I Love Children

Bugs: "Mom, is invisible a color?"
Me: "Uh... that's a good question."


Bugs: "Mom, in the 70's, was it black and white?"
Me: "Was what black and white?"
Bugs: "You know, on tv how it's black and white?"
Me: "Oh... no, there were color tv's in the 70's."
Bugs: "Not, NOT tv's.... was it black and white OUTSIDE?"
(He was thinking since old shows are in black and white that the actual world was also black and white.)


I was playing with B (my friend's daughter) and trying to get her to come over to me so I could tickle her.
Me: "B, come here for a second. I have something REALLY REALLY important to tell you."
B: "Is it about Jesus?"
Me: "No, it is not about Jesus."

Cry Baby Cry Baby

I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. It's only 11 DPO but I can just tell. But that's not the point.

Today was my baby's last day of kindergarten.

I went to his school party and as I was watching him play duck, duck, goose, I was talking to another mom that I have become friends with over the year, and I just starting CRYING. In the classroom! I'm glad my son didn't see.

I just watched him and mourned how quickly it is going by and how he looks like a real kid and not a little kid. I cried because I have been pregnant 3 times since he was born and he still doesn't have a little sister. I cried because the other moms were there with toddlers in tow and pregnant bellies and seemingly no knowledge of what it's like to have their child graduating from kindergarten and being no closer now than we were 3 years ago to having another.

I cried tears for the babies I have longed for and lost and the thought that I may never see another one of my children on his last day of kindergarten, or feel little feet kicking me from inside or the incredible love at first sight when my baby is born. I cried because I feel bad that my perfect, beautiful son doesn't make me feel complete as a mom. Not because he is anything less than phenomenal, but because I thought there would be more by now.

I cried more because I feel defective and alone and misunderstood and depressed and sad and scared and empty. The sadness is palpable and I'll be okay tomorrow but today I am crying, crying, crying for as long as I want to.

The Giant Tooth

My sweet boy (Bugs) is 6 years old. He is just about to finish kindergarten. At school there is a giant, laminated paper tooth on the wall. Whenever a child loses their first tooth, they get to write their name on the tooth and have a little celebration about it with their friends.

The only problem is that Bugs hasn't lost a tooth.

It is nearing the end of the school year and he is devastated that he isn't going to be able to write his name on the giant tooth. A few weeks ago at the dentist, he even asked lots of questions about when he would lose his first tooth. To be honest, I did too because if every other kid in his class has their name on the giant tooth, why doesn't Bugs? The dentist reassured us both that boys can lose their teeth later and that we shouldn't worry. He'll lose a tooth within a year or so.

Bugs was upset. He wants to lose a tooth NOW. I wanted to tell him that I feel his pain, but mostly I had to give him a mom speech that his teeth just aren't ready yet and that he has to wait until his body is ready for a loose tooth.

Also, I just love his little smile and can't imagine him with a hole in it yet. Maybe I'll make a giant tooth for his wall when it happens so he can write his name on it.