Blog Changes and How I'm an Urban Legend

We saw the baby today.  It moved and it's heart was beating.  I'm 10 weeks and taking this seriously now.

Therefore, new blog name that I'm not sure I'm crazy about so it might change again and I updated my info so everyone will know that my situation has changed and I have overcome mightily being fertility challenged.


Next - I figured out that I am an urban legend.  I was on clomid for 3 months and didn't get pregnant.  They told me to take a break from the drugs so I decided to make it a total break.  I didn't track my cycle  (well not diligently anyway.)  I only had sex with my husband when I wanted to, which I kinda forgot what that was like.  We took a vacation, which is theoretically when we conceived.

This will be the ONLY time ever that I will admit to these facts because I'm quite positive that they had absolutely NOTHING to do with it, but just wanted to point out how Mother Nature fucks with me has a sense of humor. 

Randoms

Some days at about 10:30 pm, like right now, I. Am. Done.

With the day.  I can't stand anyone talking to me.  I can't stand my child throwing fits or whining about going to bed.  All I want to do is sit on the couch, watch The Office and drink a beer or two.  Everyone else can just go to hell at that point.  God bless you Michael Scott and the whole nine Nards.

Next, in the last month or so, I have heard 3 different ladies talk about having orgasms in their sleep.  Fuckingexcuseme?  How is that even possible and how do I sign up for that?  Lucky bitches.  (Shakes fist at Mother Nature.)

Finally, it's ICLW time again and I am glad you made it over to my blog.  I have only been at this for a few months (blogging, not humping profusely for spawn.)  If you'd like to check out my first ICLW post, click here.  It's way more entertaining than this random post.

Reasons I Should Starting Doing Cocaine

Last night I was hanging out with a bunch of girlfriends for a birthday party.  I looked around the room and realized that I am, by far, the fattest of all my friends.  I am a size 12 and don't normally look at myself in the mirror with disgust.  But my friends are like fucking models.  Seriously.  There were like 12 of us and the closest 2nd was probably a size 6.

So I left that party to join a different party with my normal sized friends.  We were discussing how there are so many skinny bitches in the world and why we aren't one of them.  We have concluded that skinny bitches

A - don't eat, and
B - use cocaine

Oh blah blah blah if you're skinny and you're like, "I eat like a fucking horse and I have never ever touched cocaine.  I just have good metabolism!"  I'm super happy for you.

Next, I thought of all the drug addicts out there and how they seem to have no problems getting pregnant.  So HELLO reason #2!  Cocaine is looking pretty good now ain't it?

Finally, today I suffered through an allergy test because I have chronic sinusitis and recurrent sinus infections so I was wondering if maybe I have allergies.  Well, guess what Mother Nature, you win again!  I am not allergic to ANYTHING.  My sinuses are just fucked up.  Maybe if I snort some coke it'll help with that situation too.  I mean it couldn't really get any worse.

Dear everyone, I'm just kidding.  I don't do drugs and I'm not going to start.  And I'm really glad you're skinny and eat salads for lunch every day.

Well Hello Smiley Face

Well, I was right. Today I woke up to this:

(For my non fertility challenged friends, this is a positive OPK which means that I am ovulating on my own within the next 36 hours which screws the pooch on the whole timing for my IUI.)

So the whole IUI plan has been thrown for a loop. They said we can come in tomorrow for it but since my only large follicle yesterday was only at 17 mm, I am not feeling confident about the whole thing.

So we canceled it.

I feel ok about it. I feel like maybe my old pal Mother Nature is trying to give me a little hint, like "Hey idiot, I'm the one in charge here so back the fuck off." So I'm listening to her, not doing the trigger shot and just doing "timed intercourse" this weekend.

P.S. Don't you hate the term "timed intercourse?" It's so.... so.... I don't know, clinical or something.

It All Depends on my Ovaries

So this weekend is one of my best friend's wedding. She lives in a different state than me but is having her wedding here because her family is here. So I've been trying to spend a ridiculous amount of time with her because I love her face and I only get to see it once or twice a year. Her wedding is taking place at a resort location about an hour from my house Saturday night so Hubs and I decided to book a room at the resort so that we can drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol and have hotel room sex.

But before we could make the decision about staying overnight, we had to get the old ovaries checked out. Remember how I said it felt like I had some bowling balls moving around in there, well I sure found out why.

I have 18 follicles.

18.

Yes, you read that right. 18 frickin follicles.

Unfortunately, only 1 is good sized at 17 mm, and the next closest is only at 10 mm, but the other 16(!) are pretty small and totally why I feel like my insides are going to explode. So they told me to trigger Sunday night and we will go in for the IUI Tuesday morning.

I'm slightly concerned about the plan because Tuesday will be day 17 and I don't normally ovulate that late. They said to continue with OPK's this weekend and if I get a positive before the trigger to call them.

So we'll see.

Mother Nature Hates Me, Part 2

Part 1 is below, or here.

As suspected, my period started yesterday. With a vengeance. I have always had painful periods, but the last few have been out of control. I figure it's because my hormones are all crazy from the drugs so I haven't worried too much about it. Until yesterday. I was doubled over in pain and it wasn't just because of my uterus, my intestines were also really hurting.

Then last night, Hubs and I were watching one of our favorite shows (The Tudors, have you seen it? It's sooooo good!) Anyway, I was so captivated by the plethora of beautiful men on the screen that I failed to notice that I was leaking all over the couch. I stood up to find a nice size circle of blood on the couch. Awesome. Thanks again Mother f-ing Nature! Haven't you done enough to me lately?

Now on to the good news. I called the doctor's office this morning to discuss why my body is a freak show and if the doctor is considering doing any more checking for endometriosis. Heather the Nurse said that I could come in and we could discuss pursuing that, but that it will require surgery, which I knew. We also discussed trying an IUI this cycle to increase my odds. So that's the new plan!! IUI this cycle and if it doesn't work, we will take a break and check for endo. I know it doesn't sound like good news, but it is to me. It's so nice to be at a clinic where they are actually willing to try new and more aggressive things with me. This time last year my regular ob/gyn wanted to repeat a day 21 progesterone test. I wanted to kill her. (Now that I think about it, she must be friends with that bitch Mother Nature.)

Plan B, er, C, ok maybe D is now in effect!! F you MN!

Mother Nature Hates Me

I really have a lot of respect for nature. I mean, how complicated is just one single cell, let alone a plant or a person or an animal all put together and functioning. During an anatomy class a few years ago, the professor was speaking of the intricacies of the human kidney and how it is formed in a fetus. I remember thinking that it was amazing that any of us were even alive if the mere kidney was so complex.

That being said, when it comes to this human, Mother Nature is a bitch!

I mean come on! Do I really have to have PMS during the very week that I find out I am not pregnant? It's a flawed design if you ask me. I think that you should only get PMS if you ARE pregnant because then at least it would be worth it.

Also, I think if you are infertile that you should automatically be your goal weight. You're infertile? Well GOOD NEWS!! You now have a six pack and a perfect ass. You get to eat whatever you want and wear a bikini anyway. Congratulations!

Instead it's: you're infertile? Oh shit, here's some fertility drugs- they are going to make you crazy, make you pack on a few pounds, and give you such horrible headaches and periods that you would rather die than go for a jog. Don't let the door hit you in the fat ass on your way out.

I propose a truce Mother Nature: give me what I want and I'll stop talking shit about you.

Shit Happens

This post is really gross and is about poop. If you don't want to read it, stop now and I will not be offended. I promise.

Seriously, stop reading now if you have a weak stomach.

Last chance. It's pretty disgusting.


So last night I went to my girlfriend's house and she and her husband made bbq'ed pizza (OMG it was delicious!) I held, fed, and played with their sweet baby girl. It was much needed friend/baby time and I loved it.

Between us and another couple that was there, we went through 2 bottles of wine, which was also pretty great. There's nothing like sitting outside in nice weather with your bestie, yummy food, a glass of wine, and a baby on your lap. Afterwords all the girls decided to go see Sex and the City 2, which was super cheesy but I still loved it.

The climax of the evening was when I headed home and halfway there got an unsettling gurgle in my gut. You know the kind where you're pretty sure you are going to have some type of explosion happening at any moment. I continued driving and called hubs to keep me company on the drive and also to distract me from the flurry of activity in my digestive tract. In doing this, I went ahead and missed my exit, adding about 10 more minutes to the drive.

I got the urgent need to GO right as I pulled into my driveway. I wriggled around in my seat and frantically pushed my garage door button. I started breaking a sweat just as I pulled into the garage. I ran into the house and towards my bathroom, and then...

I shit my pants.

We have an exchange student living with us and he was sitting at the kitchen table as I ran by trying to get to the toilet. Hopefully he didn't realize what was happening at that moment.

Why am I telling you this? I'm not sure. It just seems relevant to the shit storm that my life seems to be right now! Also, it's kinda funny that I am 31 and I shit my pants. So hopefully you are laughing right now and not throwing up in your mouth a little.