A Report

 As promised, I am reporting back to regarding my progress.









(That was a long, silent pause.)



But really, I'm actually doing pretty well.  Today is day 3 of THE X, as I like to call it.  (I don't really like to call it that but I don't want to type P90X into my blog a million times and have a bunch of pervs coming to see my before and after pictures.)  (Oh yeah, there will be no before and after pictures.)  (Ok, maybe an after when I'm all skinny and glamorous.)  Anyway, Thursday is yoga day and if you've ever done THE X, you know that this yoga is fucking retarded.  (Dear everyone who is PC, sorry I said retarded but that is the only word I can think of to describe it accurately.)  It is 90 minutes.  Yeah 90.  That's true.  It is 90 fucking minutes long.  Which might not SOUND that long, but trust me, it is.  The first half is crazy strength building, burn your legs off type of shit.  And the second half is more relaxing, stretching yoga.  Did I mention it's fucking long?  And hard?  (That's what she said.)  Anyway, I haven't done it yet today but I am going to.  I just keep putting it off.  My legs are sore from the other days' workouts and they are definitely harder for me than they were a couple of years ago, but I can mostly keep up.  It will be awesome to see a difference in my endurance over the next couple months.

So that's what's going on.  Obviously I haven't lost any weight yet because it's only been 3 days.  (Son of a bitch!  It seems like I should have lost 10 pounds already.)  I don't think I will do a regular update of this sitch because you guys would probably stop reading if I did, but I will let you know how it's going from time to time.  Mostly because I'm a big fat narcissist and I like to pretend that everyone hangs on my every word and is checking their internets every 5 minutes to see if I've posted anything new.

How to Support an Infertile Friend

I was recently asked to do a guest post on My Thirty Spot, a site devoted to women in their thirties.  So what else could I write about but infertility?  Obvs!!  So here it is...

Christmas Hangover

Christmas has come and gone and puked all over me.  It was fun and blessed and all of that, but L had his first little cold and he is still snotting all over me.  I was pretty much drunk for a week and it was all on beer so I have gained 5 pounds, and on top of that I seem to have hit a new low with the depression sitch, so I am sleeping 10 hours a night and then taking 2 naps a day.

I realize all of this sucks balls.  I have come up with a plan to overcome it.  I made another appointment with my counselor for next week, scheduled a hair appointment for Thursday (because that makes everyone feel better) and figured out a workout schedule.  The lovely Miss Josey left a comment on one of my previous rants about how fat I am and can't make it to the gym asking if I had any workout videos at home.  As soon as I read that, I was like, "Uh DUH only about a million dollars worth of them!  Why didn't I think of that and get my ass moving??"  So thanks Jos!  You now have the responsibility of being my ongoing motivation.

L is 9 months old today.  Can you believe that shit?  Slow the fuck down little dude!  Mommy is busy enjoying you being little!  Anyway, yesterday when I realized that he will be a year old in 3 months, it made me remember that I have the P90X dvd's, which set you up on a plan for 90 days.  So I started today!  It is kindof a lot harder than I remember it, but then again I haven't been working out like I used to.  So my plan is to continue the workouts and just do my best.  The last time I did them I made it through 48 days before I missed one.  It was awesome and all, but this time I have a 9 month old crawling around me while I do it, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself if I miss some days here or there.  But anyhoo, I am going to work my ass off (hopefully literally) until L's first birthday.  By then, it will be nearing spring and hopefully I'll be in pretty decent shape by then and can start running outside to train for the half marathon I have committed myself to! 

Why am I telling you this?  Well because I tell you everything duh, but also so that I can report back to you regularly on how it's going and keep myself accountable for the commitments I am making.  Also so when it's Easter and the chocolate covered marshmallows are back (Russel Stover only) then I can be like, what bitches?  I do P90X so BACK OFF!  (Snort, snort, inhale marshmallowy goodness.)

As for the snotty baby, not much I can do there except dry heave as I wipe his nose with my bare hand. 

This Month's Parenting Fails

For an ICLW summary of what my blog is about, click HERE!

I try to be a good mom, I really do.  I think most of the time I am successful.  My kids are fed and bathed, they wear cute clothes, they learn stuff, they brush their teeth (OK well the kid with teeth does.)  Oh yeah, and I fucking LOVE THEIR GUTS!  But of course every parent fucks up a time or two and I'm here to tell you how I did so several times this month:

- Bugs turned 8 last week.  He wanted to have his birthday party at this place where they have wall to wall trampolines, trampoline dodge ball and jump off trampoline into big foam pits areas.  It sounded awesome and for a small fee, I didn't have to do shit except show up with a cake.  Score!  That is until we got there and there were a half a million teenagers jumping around like they were on crack and didn't give a shit that there were a bunch of little kids there too.  3 kids were injured (pretty badly) and I needed some wine after it was over.  I grossly underestimated the amount and level of possible injuries at this place.  Oh yeah and afterwards I left the ice cream cake out and it melted.

- I couldn't quite get it together for a family photo this year.  Hubs had a crazy schedule with the opening of another restaurant so we just couldn't make it happen.  Therefore, this year's Christmas card is a compilation of a bunch of photos I took all year.  The problem is, the only photos I took this year were with my iPhone.  That's right, new baby and all, I didn't break out my camera once this year.  Needless to say, the Christmas card is fugly.

- L still spits up on a regular basis.  Now that he eats baby food too it's super fun to get sweet potato barf on everything, including my carpet.  You see, he also crawls now, which means he cruises around, spits up, then plays in it.  Recently, if the flavor is right, he has started eating it off the floor.  Yes, he spits up, then lays there and eats it.  I mean, I keep an eye on my kid and all, but it only takes about 2.5 seconds of looking away for this to happen.

So there you go.  If you had any doubt about your skills as a parent, these horrible examples should help you feel better.  Oh and last but not least, I crossed slightly into the child abuse zone when I dressed my baby like this.  (I couldn't help it. It's fucking adorable.)

WTF Mom?  You're getting a lump of coal for this.

Merry Christmas everyone!  I have so much to be thankful for this year!  I wish you all BFP's, EWCM, and plenty of BD'ing. 

TVT

For an ICLW summary of my blog, click HERE!

Diving right in...

1 - Do you have period panties?  You know, the ones that aren't your fave-skis or maybe they are super comfy but ugly as hell so you wear them on your period because you don't care if they get ruined?  Or is this just something I do?  Well, either way, I was staring into my underwear drawer the other day and noticed that a pair of undies that I used to L-O-V-E was in the period panties section (yes there's a section, I'm OCD, so screw you for judging me.)  Anyway, these cute little guys are awesome, yet somehow have evolved over time into the pair that I don't care if they get ruined.  Is it weird that I got sad over them?  Maybe I should up my meds a little.

2 - I eat a lot of fruit.  Apples and bananas are a regular staple in my house because they are convenient, kid friendly and readily available.  I tend to take a banana in the car with me when I'm in a rush.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I throw the banana peels (or apple cores) out the window.  Is this really littering?  I mean, it's super biodegradable and I NEVER see an old peel or core just chilling on my street like a McDonald's bag, so something tells me that it is ok to do this.  Maybe I'm giving some little animal a little breakfast treat?  See, I'm actually helping nature.  I do make sure no other cars are around when I do it though because I'm afraid someone will yell at me.

3 - Speaking of eating in the car... I regularly drop food items between my seat and the center console.  Also I have man hands so it is practically impossible for me to reach my meaty hand in the crevice to get them out.  What is the solution here?  How can I get sour patch watermelons, french fries, and pretzels out from the deep dark abyss?  I bet there's the equivalent of a Thanksgiving feast in there (except you know, the junk food version.)

4 - My weight loss situation is at a standstill.  Ok that's a lie, I've gained a couple pounds.  I'm still down overall but have about 14-15 pounds to lose to get to my goal weight.  It's been difficult to workout because it is fucking freezing here so I don't want to take L out in it.  Also don't want to take him to the gym daycare around kids with a snot river running down their faces.  Hopefully I can figure something out soon and get going on it again.  Also it would help if people would stop giving us gifts of caramel popcorn and cookies.  Also if Russel Stover marshmallow Santas could stop being so delicious, that would be nice.

ICLW

Well HELLO!!!  And welcome to my blog.  If you are of a delicate nature, you should most likely stop reading because I say the F word a lot.  Like a sort of ridiculous amount.  Seriously, click away if you cannot handle it.

Now that is out of the fucking way, hello again.  I'm BU (Bummed Uterus) and recently my uterus threw me a frickin' bone and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  I pretty much brag about him on a regular basis, well, because he's fucking awesome.  I also have another not-so-little one who just turned 8 years old.  He is also fucking awesome and kindof a genius too.

Since my baby was born in March, we haven't decided if we will try for numero trois or not.  We'd love to have another (obviously) but are unwilling to go through fertility treatments again.  Also, I am old (33) and probably won't be risking anything else after I get WAY old (35.)  So pretty much once a month I post about how I wonder if I am pregnant this month because my period is an hour late.  Then 2 days later I post again about how, oh yeah, I'm infertile so I am, in fact, not pregnant.  It's a mind fuck people.  Welcome to it.

So anyhoo, nice to meet you and I look forward to reading some new blogs this month!  If you get a chance, check out the other ladies in my reader because they rock my fucking socks off every day!

The Great Milk Debate

I'm not here to tell you that you should only breastfeed ever and not to give your kid formula.  I realize for some people that formula is necessary or preferred and I am totally okay with that.  In fact, with Bugs, I exclusively breastfed for 4 months, then supplemented until 6 months and then he did formula only until he was a year old.  That's just what worked out for me at that time.  I was working full time, pumping is mind numbingly dull and that's how it happened.

This time around, however, I am able to stay home with my bebe and I plan on only breastfeeding until he is at least a year old.  For some reason, people keep trying to talk me into giving him formula.  Like I am making it too hard on myself to breastfeed exclusively.  It is hard, and there have been a few soirees I have had to miss out on because I didn't have time to prepare and have milk pumped.  I try to pump once a day so that I have a little stock on hand, but sometimes that shit just doesn't happen (mind numbingly dull.)

People, I am okay with this.  If I have to miss an event because my babes won't get fed breast milk that night, I am fucking fine with it.  This is my choice, my sacrifice and my gift to my baby.  I think I should be getting a fucking award for that rather than criticized about how I could make it easier on myself.  I would never take it upon myself to tell someone formula feeding that they should be breastfeeding because it is cheaper (or whatever the reason.)

And that is all.

I Is Smart!

I've been sitting at home for nearly 9 months now, wondering what the fuck I am going to do with my life.  I already have a bachelor's degree in business management and have been doing accounting since I was 15.  Well, I mother fucking hate accounting.  So this year I decided to go back to school and figure out something else that I love doing so that when my baby is old enough to go to school himself, I will have completed whatever degree I want to have and be ready to enter the workforce again.  The problem is, I took 1 class and procrastinated and hated it.  Well, actually, I loved the class (nutrition) and it gave me some ideas about what  might want to do eventually (registered dietitian or nutritionist.)  I have figured out though that school is just not for me right now.  It's difficult to study with a baby crawling around, and my husband works about a gazillion hours a week so I can pretty much never count on him to take care of things while I get my school work done.  So, I'm going to put off more schooling (for now) and figure out something else.

I've given it a ton of thought because I am just not a gal that can sit at home with the chitlins day and night and never want to get the eff out of my house and do my own thing.  So I thought about a part time job but again, can't count on hubby to be home at scheduled times (he owns restaurants which have extra crazy hours so shit comes up at all hours of day and night.)  Then, yesterday, I got an e-mail from an organization I learned about last year that I forgot all about!  I saw it on Dr. Phil and it is called CASA, which stands for Court Appointed Special Advocate for Children.  It is basically a volunteer person who reaches out to kids in foster care to make sure they are being taken care of and well, alive really, since the foster care system seems to suck at verifying these facts.  Then I started looking into the Make A Wish Foundation because I have ALWAYS wanted to volunteer for that too!  But like I said, I have literally had a job since I was 15 years old.  I went to college full time and had 3 jobs!  Since college I have worked full time and had children so I have never made time to volunteer for anything.

And now here I am, at home, begging for something to do and EUREKA!  I have time to volunteer!!  I am super excited and hopeful that these volunteer opportunities will pan out.  If they don't I'm sure I can find a million others I am interested in too!

In the meantime, I will continue to eat whipped cream off a spoon straight from the container.

Short Post Due to Crying Baby

My bestie just got a Mac so guess who she gave her old Photoshop to?  Yeah that's right, ME.  I was so excited until I downloaded it and figured out I don't know a flying fuck about Photoshop.  Also I still have a point and shoot camera from like 6 years ago.  And it's pink, which somehow makes it harder to take it seriously.  So, it looks like it's time for an upgrade.  I hope Santa gets the message.

I was watching an episode of Entourage this morning, which is weird because I've never watched that show ever in my life.  But anyway, what caught my attention was that it was Yom Kippur so they couldn't drive or use their cell phones.  I lost interest before I could figure out if this was because their wives were making them or if that was part of the holiday.  Either way, it made me realize I might know even less about Judaism than I do about Photoshop. 

L wants to eat regular food now.  He looks at everything I eat longingly and tries to get his mouth around it.  Today I let him chew on some apple slices because I figured it would be a good thing for him to munch on and plus it might feel good on his poor little gums.  Problem is that he refuses to hold the food himself.  Even with baby food he has zero interest in holding the spoon.  He is content just being fed and keeping his hands clean.  (By clean I mean full of saliva and carpet hair from chewing on them and then crawling.)  Anyway, if I try to get him to hold the food himself he has quite the meltdown and thinks I am attempting to starve him.  So if I want him to gnaw on the apple slice I have to sit there and hold it in his mouth. 

He has also recently started saying Mama, which is basically like a symphony to my ears.

Thought Vomit Thursday

What's that you say?  It's Wednesday?  Well that's the beauty of TVT... I make the rules.  Besides I have been thinking it is Thursday all day today.  This week just won't fucking end.

- I hate when people say, "I HATE DRAMA!"  Because most likely, the people who are always saying that are almost always the ones who fucking love the drama.  They create it.  They also seem to follow it up with such phrases as:
                   -  "Fuck my life."
                   -  "I can't deal with this anymore."
                   -  "Why does this stuff always happen to me?"
I'm not a lover of the drama, but occasionally it can be entertaining to me.  I do avoid crazy bitch friends, mean girls and douche bags though, so that significantly cuts down on the level of drama in my life. Of course any drama I do have is spilled out onto the virtual pages of this blog for your entertainment.

-  I hate when my Hubs is like "We really need to do...."  end this phrase with cook dinner, vacuum, etc.  Because clearly when he says WE he means ME.  The other day he was annoyed because he was trying to get L dressed and pulled out a couple of outfits that were too small.  I admit this is annoying and I do intend to get rid of clothing that doesn't fit anymore, but frankly, it's kind of a pain in the ass to do this every couple months.  So when he said "We really need to clean out L's old clothes."  I just rolled my eyes and ignored him.  He has now started dressing him in ugly outfits to prove his point.  The other day he put him in shorts.  It was 28 degrees outside.

-  I sometimes read People magazine online and I am surprised at how many stories there are about how Kate Middleton wore the same dress to 2 different functions.  I mean, honestly, how many fucking people are there in the world that don't wear the same outfit twice?  I sometimes wear the same outfit for a few days in a row.  (I stay home now so this is perfectly acceptable.  It also cuts down on laundry and my Hubs telling me that we need to do laundry.)

-  If I could design a diet that would make me super skinny and in optimal health but only if I ate the same 12 foods for the rest of my life, I would choose cheese, tortillas, sour patch watermelons, mashed potatoes, diet pepsi, spaghetti, tacos, bacon, french fries, hot tamales, pb&j, and apples.  I realize some of these foods involve other foods, but this is my fantasy so just go with it.

-

By Popular Demand

Ok, well 2 people counts as popular to me.

Nothing

I hate when you think of like 12 good things to write about over the weekend, but then when you sit in front of your computer, you can't remember any of them.

So, I'll just tell you that my baby is now crawling.  It's a wobbly, topple-y, adorable mess, but he can get around.  I'm sure in a few days he will be tumbling down the stairs or drinking poison from under the sink, but for today I can still take my eyes off of him for about 2 minutes and he only travels 3 or 4 feet.  Note to self: must child proof shit.

Next, I will tell you that I'd rather tumble down the stairs or drink poison myself than clean toilets.  I have 3 of them in my house and I dread it every time.  I don't remember this in my marriage vows:

Do you BU, take Hubs to be your lawful husband?  (And also to clean up his pee splashes, pubes and also the bodily fluids of any of his children?)

I do. 

(Wait, do I?)  Mother fucker.

I almost just posted a picture of my Christmas tree. 

The end.

Thought Vomit Thursday

Do you believe in ghosts?  I do because I've seen them.  This might be a controversial subject but I have to get it out there because it happened to me again last night.  I woke up, freezing, with the eeriest chills running down the right side of my head and shoulder and when I tried to pull the blankets up, something pulled them back.  I got scared and burrowed into my hubby for warmth and well, because I'm a pussy.

Recently my niece gave birth to a baby girl and decided to give her up for adoption to a gay couple in Minnesota.  I'm not sure exactly how she found them but when I look at their pictures with the baby, I feel such joy for them.  It's been difficult for her family to accept because it is my SIL's first grandchild, but my niece is about to go to medical school and knew that she couldn't provide the life that this couple could give her.  Also I know how it feels to want to be a parent so badly and not have the equipment to do so (in this case, there are 2 penises but no uterus.)  Plus I am all about the gays and am just happy for them.  Unfortunately, many people in the family are not quite as open-minded and it is difficult to have a civil conversation about it sometimes.  Anyhoo, I plan on sending this niece a message and letting her know how I feel on the subject so she knows she at least has me in her corner.

And on to a more fun topic... pooping.  Or, um, well, the lack of around here.  Is turkey like an intestinal jammer or what?  If I ever have issues in this department usually a cup of coffee will do the trick.  This week I am all hyped up and caffeine jittery from all the coffee and I'm still waddling around with full intestines.  I know this is too much info, but that's basically the gist of this blog, is it not?

I know people get excited about their Christmas decorations, but is it really necessary for all 217 of my FB friends to post a picture of their decorated Christmas tree?  Do you actually see a pic of someone's tree and think to yourself, "Ooooh, I've been dying to see what so-and-so's tree looks like this year!!"  And then giant size the picture and make it your background?  Yeah me neither.  Although, to be honest, I DO want E to post a picture of hers.  And all of her presents too.

Wow, this post is full of the afterlife, homosexuality, religion, poop, and grinch-ness.  What more could you ask for on a freezing Thursday afternoon?