Extremes

I am a woman of extremes. Sometimes I can be all about my clean house and other times I drop my pants next to my bed until I can't see the carpet. I work out religiously yet will make lemon bars and pig out all day (today for example.) The biggest discrepancy is between my cheap self and my spend a fortune self.

I enjoy cute clothes yet I will look for the cheapest shirt ever and buy it in 3 colors. I shop online on 5 websites until I find the best sale. I will spend several hours a night shopping for airline tickets to find the sweetest
deal.

Yet it appears that I have zero qualms about spending exorbitant amounts of money on hair care products. We are talking about 50 dollars on shampoo and conditioner, 20 bucks on yummy smelling oils for shininess and luster, however much on delicious hairspray and deep conditioners and straighteners and blow dryers.

To be fair, I have super long hair so I have to invest some money into making it stay nice. Otherwise what is the point? I don't want to have long UGLY hair right?

But I should maybe take it down a notch and spend a little less on something that literally goes down the drain and a little more on clothes that adorn my body on a daily basis.

Or maybe I will just invest in some more cute jammies. I don't really leave my house much anyway. Ooooh jammies and delivered cupcakes.

The Story

As I've said before, I'm going to New York next week.  (Pause for happy dance, peeing my pants a little, and a little jumping up and down.)  I remember getting my period sometime before Christmas and timing it out to see if I'd be on my period in NYC or not because that would suck balls.  I figured out that it would come a couple of weeks before the trip so I would be in the clear.

Monday I was skyping with Oak and Kelly and telling them how I might be done having babies.  I had put some stuff up for sale online but when a girl called about the doppler, I just couldn't sell it!  I gave some thought to calling my doctor for an IUD that day, but didn't.  Later that night, I started thinking, "Hmm, my NY trip is only a week away and I still haven't had a period."  I wasn't really worried because they have been anywhere from 28-35 day cycles.  I had a HPT under my sink obviously because who doesn't?  So I decided to take it, fully expecting a negative.

You know how you can watch the pee-pee spread across the window?  Well I did that and it turned positive AS it was moving across the screen.  I started laughing, pretty much hysterically and my son heard me and asked what I was laughing at.  I walked out of the bathroom with the stick and thrust it in my husband's face while simultaneously laughing, crying, and saying Fuck over and over again. 

The last few days have been mostly shock and awe but I am starting to come around to the idea.  Of course I am ecstatic that my body worked and that I will have another child, but I am also a little nervous about having babies 18 months apart (HFS!)  It just doesn't feel real yet so I haven't really experienced strong emotion about it either way. 

All of the miscarriages I've had were in the 5th week, which I think is now, but again, not totally sure.  So after next week I'm sure it will get real.  I called the doctor and asked about the anti-depressants I am taking.  She said to continue on with them and that we'll most likely wean in the second trimester because the concern comes with the third trimester as I guess some babies born with that in their system are more lethargic and don't respond as well to stimuli.  My first appointment is February 24th and then we will discuss it further and make a plan.

Another baby.  Wow. 

The Making of an Urban Legend, Part 2

Stuff My Shrink Says

Technically, I don't think she's a shrink since she's a LCSW, right?  Don't you have to look and sound like Freud to be called that?  Either way, it sounds funnier to call her my shrink, so there it is.

We had a great talk about what exactly anxiety and depression are.  I thought I knew but during the course of the conversation I got confused so I asked her to explain it to me.  Basically, depression is feeling loss of motivation, not enjoying things that I used to enjoy and just being down.  Anxiety is more like racing thoughts and the inability to calm my mind.  She had me put numbers on my anxiety, 0 being none and 10 being like panic attack level.  She then asked me when I first notice that I am having anxiety.  Usually I get pissed off.  Like if my house is messy and it gets too much for me to handle, I get mad at everyone (i.e. crazy bitch.)  We labeled this point as a 5.  She asked if I ever get to a 10, which I have had panic attacks before, but very rarely thank god.  So we rephrased a 10 as the point where I'm so anxious that I basically have to shut myself down.  This usually resorts in me ordering my husband to take over and then I retreat to my room and watch tv by myself.  I have to do that to shut my mind off and to avoid the messes and stresses of my house.  This usually triggers a day or two of depression.

So basically, if I'm operating between 0-5, I can handle the daily stresses and anxiety.  When I get to a 5, I get mad, somewhat irrational and basically not very pleasant.  She asked me to pay attention to the thoughts that come and go when I get to a 5 because anxiety is pretty much feeling uncomfortable, having irrational thoughts about it and then acting on those thoughts.  So mine go something like this...

"My house is a disaster."  (Messy maybe, disaster?  No.  Anxiety ensues.)
"Nobody in this house appreciates what I do."  (Sometimes true but not always.)
"I have to do everything myself.  Nobody will help me."  (Not true, and usually I haven't even asked for help.)
"If someone comes over right now, I will be so embarrassed."  (At this point she asks me why that concerns me.  If I think people will think I'm lazy or dirty.  Yes.  She says, "Well are you lazy and dirty?"  No.)

So my job is to start asking myself whether all these thoughts are true or not.  And finally to ask "what's the worst that could happen?"  If my neighbor shows up and the sink is full of dishes, is the embarrassment really going to do anything other than make me uncomfortable for a few minutes?  Probably not.

The only problem I see with this is that sometimes I have racing thoughts about bad, bad things.  Like people dying or bad things happening.  So I have to ask myself if it's realistic, which usually it isn't.  The issue arises when I ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen.  Because let me just tell you, I am one creative bastard and I can think of a gazillion worst things.  So my job here is to pay attention to what triggers these insane thoughts and figure out how to interrupt that trigger.  (Still working on that one.)

So to summarize, my goal is to operate at a 0-5.  If I get to a 5, pay attention to my thoughts and figure out which are true or not true.  Talk myself back to below a 5.  And repeat.

After my last post about anxiety and depression, I got a lot of concerned e-mails from you ladies.  I appreciate them SO much, but just want to reiterate that this isn't my life every second of every day.  It comes and goes and 90% of the time, I am so, so happy!  It's just therapeutic to blog about it, and it seems that many of you relate, so I just put it out there.  I promise I'm not a risk to myself or others.  :)

Thought Vomit Thursday

Can you believe it's TVT again?  It seems that every other post I write is a TVT, so either I need to post more, or just get used to thought vomit as the format for all of my posts.  Oh wait, it already is.  So here goes.

- I am not so good at the Photoshop.  I've tried to figure it out but mostly I just screw up the pictures and then close them without saving the ridiculous changes.  Right now I am attempting to make a scrapbook of L's first year of life but I don't really know where to get that sucker printed so I am resorting to the online one you can select in Photoshop.  That is, I'm waiting for my 80 iPhone photos to upload into that program right now.  Perhaps I need a new computer as well.

-  L woke up at 7:30 this morning, which I realize is not that early but I was fucking tired and tried to get the Hubs to get up with him and let me sleep for just 30 more minutes.  He wouldn't do it and I turned into a holy terror on his ass.  Okay, I was being slightly unreasonable, and I probably should have kissed him goodbye when he left for work.  I'm a Scorpio.  It's a curse and a blessing.

-  I'm not sure what is going on with my jugs, but they seem to be trying to wean L on their own.  He seems to be constantly hungry and when I try to pump, I am getting hardly anything.  This normally wouldn't be a problem, but this mama is going to NYC in a couple weeks and leaving the baby at home!  So he needs some milky.  I have a few bags in the freezer and am trying to make myself pump a few times a day to increase my supply, but I am already having self dialogue to reassure my brain that he will be 10 months by that time and I am feeling okay about formula for the weekend if needs be.

-  So YEAH... I'm going to NYC bitches!!!  Woot woot!!  I am on the western half of the United States so New York is not just a place I can go to regularly.  I've never been.  And I'm SO excited!!!  Every time I see it on a show I get all giddy!  I watched "Friends With Benefits" the other day (fucking hilarious!) and there's a whole section of the show where she is showing him around New York.  It made me happy in my pants.  P.S. Eastern half of the US... I have been to Las Vegas a lot though.  You should go there.  I'll meet you.

-  Back to the weight loss sitch.  It's not going very well.

The One Where I Talk About Cleaning Toilets

My Internet decided to quit working. It's super annoying and they can't come to look at it until tomorrow. So today I downloaded the blogger app on my phone and am testing it out. I knew you couldn't possibly go one more day without a post from me so I blindly accepted the terms and conditions and gave the blogger app permission to anal rape me and take pictures of it to share. I hope you appreciate my sacrifice.

Having said that, I have a post all prepared (in my brain) to discuss my counselor's recommendations but my thumbs can't possibly type that much so just wanted to let some of you who asked for that to know it's coming. Oh yeah it is!

I have been working on my goal not to be a crazy bitch and it seems to be going well. I found cleaning schedules on a couple different websites and combined them to make my own. The biggest most awesomest thing I have discovered is to clean my bathrooms every day. Now I know how that sounds (crazy bitch like) but it is NOT!! I bought some Clorox wipes and after I do my business, I just take one and spend about 1 minute wiping down the toilet and countertops. Like literally 1 minute. My bathroom is always clean and since I have 3 bathrooms, I only spend 3 minutes a day cleaning them, which is totally doable in my world. (Also I have to pee constantly so going in 3 different bathrooms works out too.) You see, messes on the toilet and countertop set me off. (I mean honestly, just wipe it up boys!) so wiping down every day = happiness. Oh my god do I need a life.

So, yeah, um I'm obviously boring and I think this blogger app has mind controlled me into writing about cleaning toilets today. So I'm going to sign off now and hope for something more exciting to write about tomorrow.

**This is the Blogger app. We have in no way taken over BU's mind. Any opinions expressed here are solely hers. Especially the part where she doesn't think she's crazy. (Or a bitch.)**

Thought Vomit Thursday

- Why do people say "Shut the front door!"?  Where did that come from?  Why can't they just say "Shut the fuck up?"  Is this the G version of the X rated version?  I don't get it.  I may have said it before though, but I still don't get it.

- There's this time at night that is my favorite.  The kids are in bed, Hubs and I are getting our shit together to go to bed.  Inevitably, I find some reason to go downstairs to our kitchen and then wander in to my kids' rooms to give them one last kiss and stare.  I love it.  My house is so peaceful and you can almost feel the love in the air.  Strike that, you can feel the love in the air.  It's magical.

- I am still in the funk.  I met with my counselor again last night and discussed my mental state.  When I decided to go on meds for depression, they gave me the lowest dose possible because I am still breast feeding.  My counselor let me know that this dose is like crazy low so the fact that I am still having a rough time is pretty understandable.  We discussed increasing the dose, but I am just not willing to do it until I wean L, which won't be for at least a couple of months.  We discussed the differences between my anxiety and depression and how they are ultimately triggering each other.  We also discussed how the Hubs can help me with these problems.  The worst thing is that he just does NOT understand depression or anxiety and so he gets kind of fed up with me being overwhelmed and/or stressed because he thinks my life is pretty awesome.  My life is kind of amazing, but depression and anxiety don't give a flying fuck about that.  They come regardless, kind of like a beer belly (which I also have.)  Anyway, the bottom line is we talked it out and got some ideas on how I can stay in a more manageable state of mind.  We also talked about how this bullshit does not, in fact, make me defective.  Because sometimes I feel that way.  Ironic, no?

- I have some good things coming up though and the weather has been great, so I've been able to be outside and am consistently working out.  So there's that.

- Is this post super depressing?

- Did anyone ever watch Ally McBeal?  There's this one episode where she and John Fish sniff each other's butts when they are kids because that's what dogs do.  I can't remember the deets of that episode but every time I see Calista Flockhart on tv or in a magazine, I picture her sniffing a guys butt.

Anal, as in, I am Anal

Besides my insane anxiety and borderline OCD, I'm a pretty laid back chick.  I know that seems opposite or something, but it's fucking not.  I am chill.  Most things roll off my back pretty easily (unless there are dishes in the sink) and it takes awhile for me to actually get worked up.  I can't even really remember the last time I got crazy pissed off.  Except at my husband, but that doesn't actually count.  But as laid back as I am, some of the weirdest shit annoys me.  Like, is it really your pleasure Chick-Fil-A guy to hand me my fucking chicken nuggets and waffle fries.  (Excuse me while I drool for a moment.)  If you haven't been to Chick-Fil-A, then I will fill you in.  Whenever you say thank you, they are required to say, "My pleasure."  (Also, their chicken nuggets are the SHIT.  So f-ing good.)  For some reason I find "my pleasure" so over the top annoying that I have to use actual restraint and not say thank you.  Yes, I purposely do not say thank you at that restaurant because their answer is "My pleasure."  GAG!!!
Or when people say "it is what it is."  Oh really?  IS IT?  Or literally, when they don't literally mean literally.

(Cartoon from theoatmeal.com)


Anyway, the ironic part about the whole thing is that I also find myself annoying when I get annoyed at these things.  I'm a work in progress.

Speaking of work in progress, guess what I broke out today that I haven't seen in several months?  Tweezers.  Apparently even when you have a baby, you still have to tweeze things in order to be sexy.  Otherwise you get hairy in places where one doesn't want to be hairy.  My hairy parts were all, "Well, hello old friend! Please pluck us so we can seem attractive again!"  I did my best, but it is what it is.  Literally.

Resolution Fail

I don't typically make New Year's resolutions.  I am constantly setting goals for myself so I don't feel the need to sit down and make some specific ones just because it is the new year.  But I also give in to peer pressure and so here is a post summarizing my goals.  (I'm easy but not cheap.)
Well I already set forth a goal for THE X which I'm already failing miserably at.  I promised myself I wouldn't be too hard on myself so even though I've missed a few workouts already, I'm still focused and planning on working out every day this week.  In my defense though, I was out of town for 4 days and we did a 1000 piece puzzle so I exercised my brain. 
Anyway, I also have recently made a plan to volunteer and submitted applications to both places I wanted to volunteer for.  I have training set up for one at the end of February, but haven't heard anything back from the other place yet, which is fine.  One thing at a time BU. 
Finally, and really the only actual new goal has to do with my house.  And my psychosis I guess.  I obviously have anxiety issues and am borderline OCD about certain things.  (This is a self-diagnosis.  I don't really know if I qualify as OCD or if I am just a crazy bitch.)  The certain thing is my house.  I really, really like it to be clean.  Well, duh, BU, who doesn't like their house to be clean?  Yes, but sometimes when people see their house get messy, they sigh and figure out a time they can take care of it.  I get fucking furious.  I yell at people and throw shit around and basically go on a rampage until it is clean again.  I am like a human tornado with giant teeth coming out.  It causes a lot of problems around my house.  My son gets sad when I go all Kathy Bates and my husband gets frustrated and pissed off.  Sometimes I get to the point where I just have to lock myself away and shut down for a little bit until I can wrap my head around what I need to do.  (So yes apparently crazy bitch is the correct self-diagnosis.)  So that brings me back to my goal... not to be a crazy bitch.  Or more realistically, figure out a way to get a handle on my house and my sanity. 
I figured there would be an app for that (the cleaning but not the sanity.)  I couldn't find one.  I found one website that was like crazy town cleaning.  It really had so much every day that I felt like it might be more overwhelming then helpful.  If I can't find any others then I will give it a try.  So I'm coming to you, my faithful follower, how do you manage your house?