I Did It!

Really. I did IT! You know, like it IT.

The past few weeks have been filled with all day nausea, constant grazing, and zero motivation to make myself attractive in any way. This has all culminated in an extreme lack of sex drive, nay, more like a repulsion to sex and/or anyone touching me in general. Sexy time has not existed in my world for about 3 weeks now.

As you can imagine, the Hubs has been very understanding yet very frustrated. I, as you can imagine, haven't given a shit. But there's a teeny tiny part of me that knew this could not go on forever.

So today when I found myself actually full of food, in a good mood, and not nauseous, I started dancing. Not good dancing, but silly head banging, hip grinding, leg humping dancing. It suddenly occurred to me that this may be our only doing it opportunity. I shouted, "I FEEL GOOD! LET'S DO IT!"

Despite my leg humping, Hubs agreed. You know, because beggars can't be choosers. I think this means I'm off the hook for 3 more weeks.

Baby

So the doctor appointment was today. There's a baby. It has a heartbeat. And it's due September 25th.

Everything looks perfect. It feels real now. Telling family today.

Holy fucking shit.

Apparently It's Thought Vomit Time

I told my bestie about laughing at a 2nd grader who peed his pants and she promptly reminded me that karma is a bitch and that in a few months I'm going to be peeing all over myself. I kindof already do pee all over myself but it will definitely be worse. So I have that going for me.

The check engine light came on in my car. This year my car is 10 years old so I guess it was about time. I'm taking it to get checked out tomorrow and while they are at it I am going to have them find out why the following things are not working:

my heater (when I stop at lights)
my radio
the internal lights
the drivers side power window
the wipers on the lowest setting

Can you believe all those mother fuckers are busted? Holy shit I miss my radio! For some reason a bunch of electrical shit just had a chain reaction meltdown over the past few months. Hopefully it's some easy fix but me thinks it is going to be more like thousands of dollars. God damn it! P.S. I don't have thousands of dollars.

Remember when I was doing The X? Well a mean case of all day sickness mixed with all day hunger has forced me to stop working out. The calluses from the pull ups and push up bars are starting to peel off. On the plus side, I found a really awesome couch to 5k app and as soon as I'm feeling up to it I think I'm going to start that instead. I've always been a runner and this program combines a lot of walking with running so I think it will be a good program for me for the next few months. (When I say I'm a "runner" I mostly mean I jog slightly faster than I walk. Runner just sounds sexier. And rugged.)

Remember when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake dated? I saw an old episode of SNL the other day and they were both on it. Poor Brit. She used to be so hot and un-crazy. I know it's illogical but even while I was watching them I had hope that they'd make it as a couple. Dear lord, please get BS and JT back together. Amen.

Another Reason Why People Don't Like Me

I laugh when I'm uncomfortable.  And at really inappropriate things.  Like when someone does something super embarrassing, I can't help it, uncontrollable laughter.  If someone falls or gets hurt... I'm laughing.  It's ridiculous and it makes me seem like an asshole.  I mean, I am an asshole and all but I'm usually not actually laughing because something is funny, but more like my discomfort has filled up my entire body and it has to spill out of my mouth in the form of laughter.

Anyhoo, I was at a program at Bugs's school today.  They were doing a little play when all the sudden one of the kids dropped his script, grabbed his weiner and ran off stage.  I'm not 100% sure, but I'm 98.3% sure he peed his pants.  I thought I saw the tell-tale dark spot on his pants and he never returned.  A mature, good mom would be mortified for this kid and feel really bad.  I, however, whispered (very loudly) to my husband, "I THINK THAT KID PEED HIS PANTS!!!"  And then proceeded to hide my head and laugh for about 4 minutes.  I could not for the life of me get it together.  Finally my husband said just that, "Come on babe, get it together!"  At that point I had to force myself to stop laughing and face front again.  I was happy to see that none of the other parents were staring horrifyingly at me.  Hopefully they didn't notice, but if they did, then I'm the asshole mom that laughed at a 2nd graders worst day of life. 

Poor kid.  I mean I do feel bad for him.  But the laughter.  It just comes.  I can't help it!

Solution

So I'm out of my weekend funk and had an epiphany of a solution... Stop weighing yourself idiot!

So there it is. I can't worry about the scale right now. I need to worry about my babies and put "Project Bikini" on hold for one more year.

Of course I am going to continue eating as healthy as possible but today, for example, the only thing I can stomach is a Newman's Own Pizza. Um, they are fucking fantastic by the way.

Maybe this seemed like an a obvious solution, and it is. However actually doing it is another story.

Appointment next Friday. Can't wait!!

How I Am Feeling Today

Nauseous and fat.

I met with a midwife earlier this week to discuss home birth. More on that later but I asked her about breastfeeding while pregnant. I told her I was feeling tired and hungry all the time and I was worried about nutrition for bébé, L and myself. She explained to me that my body has a hierarchy for that. First, bébé gets everything it needs, then L, then me. So if I am feeling tired and hungry I need to EAT MORE. If I don't then next my milk will be affected and I need to EAT MORE. Then if it gets bad enough bébé will be affected and I need to EAT MORE.

So I've been trying to eat when I'm hungry and also to eat healthy so we are all actually getting nutrients we need. The problem is I have morning sickness all fucking day. Trying to cram broccoli in my gourd when I want to vomit is like trying to cram broccoli in my gourd when I want to vomit. It's hard to find anything you want to eat when you feel sick. Yet somehow I've still gained more weight.

I was just getting to the point where I was making progress on my body and getting back in shape and now I am gearing up for another year and a half of feeling fat and shitty about myself. And today I feel so sick that it's hard to find the positive spin that I can normally give myself.

I know it will be worth it and that eventually I will get my body back but right now I am feeling sorry for myself.

And ok, eating gummy bears.

On My Mind

You know how a lot of blogs are all sunshine and roses and everyone has great days and their children are perfect and their husbands clean toilets and make enough money and their pets never shit in the house and they are their ideal weight?

Well I realize I'm not one of those blogs but maybe I try to put on an optimistic face about pregnancy and my babies because I realize being anything but grateful for it is insensitive. Also I just really AM grateful for my babies.

That being said... I'm pretty much scared shitless about this pregnancy. I'm already sick and tired and impatient. I am not the best mom or person really when I don't feel well and I find myself yelling at people often. I am also nervous that L and Bugs will suffer and lack real attention when there's another baby around.

So there you go. My real feelings. Scared. Of course the silver lining is that I was on the fence about a 3rd and I'd rather have it happen this way than deciding in a couple of years and then having a hard time conceiving. (Hard time! Snort snort!)

I Love Bloggers

Before I got pregnant with L, I had just barely lost about 8 pounds.  It seemed that the minute I got pregnant my body was like, "I don't think so bitch!"  And promptly packed those 8 pounds right back on.  It appears my body is an asshole like that because with no change in diet or exercise, I have gained 5 pounds in the last week.  Now, I did spend the weekend in New York, and while there were a few treats and delicious meals, I was pretty much walking around all day for 3 days so I think this 5 pounds is, to say the least, unwarranted.

Now about New York....

The city was, of course, amazing.  But I'm not going to talk about that.  I'm going to talk about the women.

This is the second time I have done a girls trip with these ladies.  Luckily they invited me along to Colorado in October and when E's recent adoption fell through, we all decided it was imperative to get on a plane and show her our faces.  If you've never met blogger friends in person, I highly recommend it.  In fact, I WANT TO MEET YOU!!  Seriously.  I really do.  Let's plan it.

It's so amazing to be in a group of ladies that knows exactly how you feel and what you've been through and what your story is.  Sunday, a few of us went to FAO Schwartz for no other reason than it is famous (and okay, to dance on the giant piano.)  Of course it was filled with wide eyed and wondrous children.  It was so fun to see the magic in their eyes.  I said to Amanda, "It's so cute how kids just find joy in everything"  She smiled and said, "I know.  It makes my heart hurt a little."

Obviously I teared up because I am a cry baby, but also because I knew that she couldn't say that to anyone in her regular life and have them understand the yearning and ache that lives in your heart, pit of your stomach and uterus when you want a baby so badly.

This community has saved my life over and over.  I'm so grateful for it.

Now... let's plan a trip.

Getting Infertiles Drunk One State at a Time!

What do you think the caloric needs are for a newly pregnant, still nursing mama are?  Because I am fucking STARVING all the time.  And not just, "hmm, I could use a bite."  It's more like, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT GIVE ME SOMETHING TO EAT BEFORE I PASS OUT AND/OR STOMP ON YOUR STUPID FACE!"  NOM NOM NOM!!!

This doesn't quite tie in with my lazy mom mode because I pretty much haven't been to the store in 2 weeks so all we have to eat is cheese and cheerios.  We are down to the last half gallon of milk too so someone is going to have to take one for the team and hit the store.  (1,2,3 not it!)

But really, I'm not it.  I'm leaving tonight for New York!!  I am so freaking excited I pee a little every time I think of it.  I've never been to NY so I am a little nervous about getting around and have looked up about a gazillion travel sites to figure out transportation.  After all of this research, however, I have decided to wing it.  I get in at the ass crack of dawn and nobody else gets in for about 4 hours after me so I figure I have time to make something work.  Apparently there are shuttles, cabs and buses galore so I am feeling like I will work it out.  As long as I'm not hungry.

I will miss my kiddos like crazy, but MY GOD I am excited to be free for a whole weekend!!  I am, of course, going to have to pump while I'm there, so The Infertility Brigade (a nickname I have given our group) is going to attempt to have at least one person pumping at every famous landmark.  I think it's an important quest.