FB Fails

My friend Kelly and I were discussing how stupid people are the other day.  Or more specifically, how stupid people are on FB.  Now I know the last thing you want to read is another post about how stupid people are on FB, but just put your big girl panties on and do it anyway.  Kelly was talking about the person who posts update after update about their kid, like..

"Whew, B is finally down for a nap!"
"Up from the nap, on the way to the park!"
"B just LOVES the park!"
"Just got home from the park and B is eating some strawberries!  Here's a pic!"
"Another poopy diaper for B!  This kid never stops!"

Like, holy fucking mother of god are you fucking serious?  I don't need to know your kids sleep/poop schedule and what a great mom you are for documenting every. single. second.  Shut the fuck up.

My personal favorite is a single girl that I used to work with.  She has camera parties with herself, in which she gets all "gussied up" (her words not mine) and sits in front of her web cam and takes hundreds (hundreds!) of photos of herself and posts them.  She always warns us that she's just doing it because she is bored.  Um hmm.  Sure.  Narcissist much?  One time I counted how many photo albums she had and I think there were 57.  I'm not sure why I still look but I am just fascinated by how oblivious this girl is and how her nose is so large and she seems to pose in a way that enhances it.

I am also way over the people who only post inspirational quotes.  You're not the fucking Dalai Lama.  Your quotes are not inspiring my day.  I am not looking at your quote and thinking, "Wow, that Jennifer sure is a smart cookie!  I bet she does yoga and meditates every day.  I sure have something to learn from her!"  Because quite honestly, Jennifer just posted 42 pictures of herself at the bar last night with her shirt over her head.  And honestly, after these people post these quotes, do you think they give them any additional thought throughout the rest of the day?  I'm guessing not.

So there's my current FB rant.  I'm going to start posting every 5 minutes about the status of my armpit hair.  You guys would be surprised how fast this shit grows and I know everyone wants to read about it.  I will also include pictures.

Misc.

Last weekend was family reunion time. Does anyone actually get excited for family reunions? Because I pretty much find myself resenting them before I even arrive. Of course, my family does one every. single. year. So maybe that's why.
Anyway my family was in charge of the cooking/activities this year which basically meant we had to work our asses off while the rest of the fam sat in the shade chat-chitting. It was 100 degrees. My mom and aunts kept fighting/talking shit about each other the whole time. My aunt even complained to me that she set out 2 separate dishes of dog food for her dog that MY dog promptly ate. Well she's a dog so I can't exactly reason with her.
I pointed out to the hubs that I come from a family of complainers. He agreed. Then we talked about how fucking awesome I am compared to them. Ok not really but we did talk about how I grew up in that environment and have made big strides in overcoming being a complainy complainerton. Well you know IRL. Not on this blog. Because obvs.
My college pal is in town this week so all the college ladies have gotten together a few times to hang out and party like rock stars. In your thirties this translates into taking your brood to the park and telling each other how you wish you were drunk right now and also how you should have just left the kids with a babysitter. So, in other words, the parties have changed. And I still wish I was drunk right now. (I'm home in bed elevating my swollen feet.)
My boobs seem to be growing at record speed. I now have the awesome spillover the top of the left cup. I don't really know if I can possibly stand to go buy another size bigger. I think I'm just going to switch to those relaxy cotton bras that just go ahead and show your RT to the world. You'd think in 100 degree weather this wouldn't be a problem for me but apparently my nipples like to stand alert at all times. Now where can I find these nipple baring bralettes long enough for a 5'10 woman and large enough for a 38 DD? Holy fuck. I'm like my own porn.

What's a Smart Girl Like You Doing in a Place Like This?

I was having dinner with my college girlfriends the other night. Now these are some of the smartest ladies I know. For real sauce. They are all wildly successful, great careers, awesome families, and sexy as can be. And somehow these ladies think I'm smart too. Maybe not all the other stuff but smart fer shizzle. (Which makes you wonder when I say things like "fer shizzle.")
Now I think I have plenty to learn in life, but am also pretty proud of my smarty pantsness. My husband is proud of his too. But we are not the same kind of smart. I know where apostrophes go an can ace a test on any day of the week. He can open and run businesses. So we have this ongoing yet silent war on who is the smartest. Obvs it's me.
I asked my genius girlfriends if they have the same debate with their dumb husbands and guess what! They do. In fact we swapped stories of their dumbness. Is this wrong? Probably. Entertaining? Of course.

Relaxi Cab

I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not, but I started a little business. In my previous life before SAHM-dom, I did accounting for several small businesses. It can be a tricky sitch when working for small companies because they don't exactly always have money. There's some money juggling that goes on sometimes and a small business owner is way more vested in the company than say, a CEO of a large company that has plenty of moula to throw around.

But anyway, I just happen to have a connection with a group of small businesses and was able to take on 4 of them to do their books. This basically means I am watching their bank accounts, paying their bills, and preparing financial statements each month. The extra money has been great but the extra stress has NOT. L always wants to be on my lap, banging on the keyboard or throwing the mouse. I feel bad if I have to ignore him and I just haven't been able to get all my work done during his nap times only.

Well just this weekend, 2 more of these little companies asked me if I would start doing their books as well. Of course I want to because this is all work I can do from home, and extra money for my vacation fund. I talked to the hubs and we decided I should hire an assistant to help me.

And then I thought about that some more. So I have an assistant that I have to put a lot of trust into, and pray they don't fuck up. I'm pretty much going to have to double check shit because I'm anal and I want the companies' payrolls to clear and their power to stay on. And I'll be the one answering to these people, not my assistant.

So instead... I decided to hire a part time nanny! How fucking genius am I??? I am working from home so I will still be there to make sure nanny isn't beating/poisoning my children, but I can also lock myself in my office and get some work done. Plus after baby girl is born, I can also be there for feedings, naps, etc. AND AND AND I can run errands or go to the mother fucking GYM if I want to.

I want to be thorough about the nanny search so I am looking for someone to start mid-August so I have lots of time for interviews, background checks, and general stalking. In the meantime, my neighbor has a 13 year old that I thought might like to do it for the rest of the summer. I asked her today and she is way excited and wants to start tomorrow. So she will be coming 4-5 hours a day, twice a week.

I'm so happy I could pee a little.

2 Babies

Today my BIL and his fiancée are having their baby. They asked me if I could watch their almost 2 year old until the baby is born and then bring him to the hospital. I'm happy to do it, but that doesn't mean I was not freaking out about it all day yesterday. I mean, I know pretty soon I'm going to have 2 babies under 2 my own self, but this is quite the crash course.

My house is now littered with toys and goldfish crackers. The babies only seem interested in the toy that the other is playing with. I even let Bugs stay home from school today so he could help me. Education be damned. I've got a serious baby sitch going on here.

I had a brilliant idea of taking them all to a splash park near my house. I thought I could handle it. And I guess I did. The babes did NOT care for the gallons of water raining down on them so we mostly sat on our towels and ate snacks. The older baby kept trying to steal my graham cracker bunnies. I distracted him with raisins for a minute.

So anyway, come on pitocin. Get this baby out of my SIL. Mama needs a nap!

On another note, Teen Mom started again. I'm not sure why I watch this train wreck of a show but I do. And I cringe. And swear at the morons. And text my sister about how crazy those bitches are. It's probably the same sadistic side of me that also watches pageant shows and Dance Moms.

Teen Mom makes me specifically grateful for all those people out there that make a terribly difficult decision to give their babies up for adoption when they are unable to provide for them. There are so many loving, capable and deserving families just waiting for a baby to come into their arms.

Train Wreck

I am an explosive, crazy laughing/crying HOT MESS right now. Let me break it down for you:

- I have some sort of pelvic slash adductor pain situation going on right now. If I am sitting or lying down for a long period of time it takes me approximately two and a half minutes to stand up fully erect and then when I put weight on my right leg the pain begins. Then I laugh, cry and hobble to my destination (usually the bathroom.) I cry because it hurts like a mother fucker and laugh because I walk like a 95 year old hunchback.

- I am an emotional roller coaster. Most recently I sobbed until 3 in the morning because my husband went out drinking with his friends until 1 am. To be fair, he was originally supposed to be home around 9 then we fought and he stayed out because he was mad at me. But realistically him drinking beers with buddies was not that big of a deal. Although you wouldn't know it from the sobbing and carrying on. The next morning brought with it swollen eyes and a huge apology on my part for being one crazy bitch. (For the record he did not apologize for being a meany pie head.)

- After the crazy cry night I had a talk with Natalie about how I can NOT be crazy when things don't go my way. She says I have to relinquish some control which is really not that easy if you think about it. But her words are ringing in my ears and I'm trying to breathe through the situations that I would tend to blow up at.

- Yesterday I didn't do too well when I went to start my car and it didn't turn on because my husband had used up all the gas. I promptly freaked the fuck out while he got the lawnmower gas and put it in my tank.

- Speaking of blowing up... I had to have some dental work done today (2 hours worth) and when I mentioned that my jaw hurt to Oak and Natalie, this obviously lead to a discussion about blow jobs. Apparently all the great wives just love giving their man head. Either I've been married too long or I'm a horrible wife because ladies, it just ain't my thang. After this discussion however, I am convinced that frequent bj's prevent infidelity so I guess I have to buck up and suck some D.

Classy and Fabulous

My pal E, over at Many Many Moons has been through some shit.  I mean this girl has done everything humanly possible to become a mother.  And nobody deserves it more.  She is warm, caring, classy, fabulous and of course, hilarious.  Let's face it, this bitch wouldn't be my friend if she didn't make me snort laugh from time to time.  (Hey I never said I was classy.)

Anyway, recently a very amazing, wonderful and obviously very smart young lady gave birth to a sweet baby girl and decided that E should be her mommy.  I mean really, how could you meet her and NOT want to give your baby to her.  If she lived closer to me, I'd be dropping my kids off at her house all the time. 

The point is that E is finally a mommy.  That means she gets to spend her days and nights awake, getting pooped and peed on, spending exorbitant amounts of money, and probably crying a little herself.  It also means she gets to love, cuddle, adore and spoil her sweet baby girl.  I'm sure there will be many kitchen shows they do together in the privacy of their home.  Am.elia will know how to decorate a gift exquisitely, and I doubt she'll have ever slept on sheets less than a 400 thread count. 

Most importantly, this baby girl is going to be so loved.  She couldn't have found a better mommy and daddy and I just want to congratulate my good friend on the long awaited birth of her precious daughter.

In celebration of this monumental occasion, I am sending Am.elia a very classy and fabulous gift.  Books.  You can't be a classy, fabulous girl if you can't read.  And you certainly can't start out with 50 Shades right out of the gate (gate=vagina.)  So, she will be receiving a couple of my favorites:  The Paper Bag Princess which teaches little ladies that even if a man is an actual prince, it doesn't really matter if he's also a douche bag.  Very important lesson that I had to learn the hard way in my 20's.  Also, Lily's Purple Plastic Purse because it's all about how fabulous Lily feels when she has a shiny new purse.  There's also a surprise book coming too but she'll have to wait and see on that one. 

Congrats again.  I love her already and I've only seen her picture.  (So far.)