Stages

This weekend, a friend of mine (Lisa) was in town.  She has been married almost as long as I have and has 3 kids, her youngest is 7 months old.  We were with 2 others who have both been married 3 years and have 1 kid.  And we were also joined by a friend who recently got engaged and is planning her wedding.

It became painfully clear that Lisa and I are old married people.  The other gals stared in horror and probably a little in pity at our stories about how sex changes after 10 years of marriage and babies.  So I thought I'd spell out a little of our conversation for your horror and amazement.  You're welcome.

Lisa: "So how's your libido since having another baby?"
Me: "snort, snort, laugh"
Lisa: (nodding in recognition) "Me too dude.  I'm fucking tired!  And these kids are CRAZY!"
Me: "Do you even try to have orgasms anymore, or are you over it?"
Lisa: "Every once in a while, but mostly I just want to go to sleep.  I'm fucking tired!"
Me: "Me too.  I have to be on top to have an orgasm, so sometimes Hubs is like, 'Hey, wanna get on top?' and I try my hardest to sound all sexy and be like, 'oooh no, that's ok, this is great!'  But really it's that I'm only doing this for him and I just want to go to sleep.  I'm fucking tired!"
Lisa: "snort, snort, laugh"
Me:  "Sometimes I even try to get him to wear a condom so I don't have to get up and clean up after."

Nod of recognition from Lisa, blank stares from married 3 years girls, and engaged friend has a look of fear and loathing on her face.  She is feeling bad for me because obviously my marriage sucks if I want Hubs to wear a condom for sanitary purposes.  You'll get there little engaged friend, I promise, you'll get there.  Who wants to be 50 and cleaning semen out of their crotch?

Me: "I've also started making sure we move to his side of the bed while we're doing it so that HE has to sleep in the wet spot."

To this revelation, the girls that have been married 3 years agreed.  I mean, who wants to sleep in the wet spot, like, ever?

Married 3 years girl: "Well after my baby was born, I asked my doctor what I should do about my libido and she told me I just needed to try harder and have an orgasm every time."
Me: "Did you change doctors immediately?"
Her: "No!  It worked!"
Me: "grunt, pshaw"
Lisa: "Sometimes I lie in bed and think that I should try to initiate sex, I mean, I'm awake and it would probably make his day.  But then I don't.  And I go to sleep instead."
Me: "Well of course, you're fucking tired!"

Next Lisa and I had giant slices of cake because, obviously.  Then I went home and decided to try harder and have an orgasm.  It was great.  I might try that again.  But only if there's cake.

Lies

Whenever people pick up my baby, they inevitably, without fail, smell his head and make some comment about loving the way babies smell.  Oh I just loooooove that newborn smell.  Don't you just LOVE the way babies smell?  Mmm, I could just eat him, he smells sooooooooooooo good!

Well it's a fucking lie people.  I have to work ever so hard to get him to smell like that.  I purposely plan his bath schedule around when he's going to be around people that aren't required by law to love him.  He has reflux.  This means I spend a majority of every day cleaning vomit off of his clothing, his face, my entire body, my furniture and carpet and sometimes even the back of his head.  This little gem occurs if we lay him down on his back.  Vomit runs down his face, into his ears, and then he rubs his head in whatever makes it to the surface he is lying on. We also go through 3 or 4 towels or burp rags each day, not to mention 2 or 3 outfits.

He smells super awesome and lavender-y right after his bath but usually manages to puke on himself right after I get a fresh outfit on him.  I'm happy to work hard to make him smell delicious, but it is a lie to say that babies smell good.  They smell like a foot.

Regarding My Ass

So I've been trying to get back in to working out.  I'm not a super skinny gal, but not a chunk-a-hontas either.  I'm kind of like muscular girl meets spare tire and ginormous boobies girl.  But I'm also broad shouldered like a swimmer.  Or a man.  It's a complex mix of body shapes so I've drawn you a picture...

So I'm not a good artist, but whatever.  I've joined the local rec center but because of my hubby's crazy work schedule I don't have him around a lot to watch the boys, and due to my crazy craziness, I don't dare to take the baby to the gym daycare yet.  Therefore, I don't make it to the gym as often as I like.  To supplement my workout routine, I've been ordering workout dvd's like a mad woman so that I'll have a variety of things to do at home.

I don't know if you've seen the infomercials for the videos (do you think I'll ever stop using the term 'videos'?) that claim to give you an awesome South American ass, but holy shiz balls, they sucked me in!  (The videos not the asses.)  I ordered them and waited at home in front of the tv with pastries until my ass saving vids got here.  Then they arrived and I waited a few more days to give them a try.  After all, I've had this ass for this long so what's another day or two?

I broke them out yesterday, prepared for the ass changing to commence.  I've only done one video so far, but it was fantastic!  Ok, it was super annoying and I'm sure eventually I'll mute it, but the workout itself was pretty great.  Not that I had a bad ass to being with, but I am definitely prone to mom butt and I'd like to keep that at bay for now.

Side note - some other of my favorite gals have started a REVOLUTION of adding our email addresses to our profiles so we can start keeping in touch for realsies, so I have now added mine to my profile.  Just in case anyone wants to send me some hate mail. 

I'm the Boss

Cute little Oak gave me the power to make a few of my own damn rules by giving me the Overlord Award.  This little gem gives me the task of making up 3 of my very own rules that everyone, including that bitch Mother Nature, has to follow.  This really couldn't have come at a better time because my evil plot to take over the world really works out better if I'm magical and creating all the rules.  So...

Rule #1:  My fridge and pantry will automatically refill themselves when someone eats everything in the damn house.  I will never have to go to the grocery store again.  I believe this shall also apply to toilet paper.  Yes, it is so.  The toilet paper will also refill itself so that I never again have to pick the tiny scraps of paper off the empty roll in order to dry myself off enough to waddle down the hall for a new roll.

Rule #2:  With the snap of my finger, my house and yard will be perfectly clean and manicured, leaving more time for me to have spa days and mimosas.  I'll be one of those ladies that's always in a good mood and looks fabulous and is most likely drunk.  Oh yeah, and meals come along with the snap too.  I can also choose if I want that to happen for anyone else so that everyone will be kissing my ass so that I'll snap their shit clean too. 

Rule #3:  I mean honestly, I should break out some end to world hunger or war or bad dye jobs, but what I'd really want is for everyone to just do what I say.  I mean, is that really too much to ask?  I think I could handle the power.  (Insert evil laugh.)

**ETA: I forgot the most important part!  Assigning this awesome task to 3 friends.  So here you go:

Another Dreamer
Pundelina Kafoops
Meim

Dude, What If?

The other day we went to buy fireworks.  I was standing in the big tent when all of the sudden, I felt nauseous.  Like I was just going to barf right there on the sawdust floor.  Then the next day, it happened again.  I also called my husband a dickhead and wanted to cry one night when he wouldn't agree that the pasta salad I had made was fantastic.  (I mean, come on already, just fucking lie about it.  What use is it to tell a chick that you hate the food she slaved over?)

Then my spidey senses started tingling, and I thought to myself this is exactly how I felt when I was pregnant.  Alarms started going off and I started wondering WTF?  I wasn't convinced that I was pregnant, but I started to wonder and started to worry.  Of course, with my history, if I were pregnant, I would just be ecstatic.  However, dudes, I. am. not. ready.  It is the first time since I was about 20 that I was worried a pregnancy test might be positive.

It was negative.

Honestly I am way too selfish a person to have 2 little babies at once.  I don't think I'd be a good mom to 2 tiny ones.  But it was a surreal feeling to be taking a pregnancy test right now. 

And then I thought, with all the lovely ladies that I follow out there with IF problems and therefore a blatant lack of birth control post-baby, eventually one of us is going to get knocked up.  Right?  I mean, statistically, it's bound to happen.  And this is one watch and see that I will be watching and seeing for.