Hair

I am a hairy beast normally. I have peach fuzz pretty much everywhere and the parts that get other types of hair are, well, really hairy. This works to my advantage when it comes to the hair on my head because it is thick and healthy and pretty bionic. I change my hair color about twice a year and it just hangs in there. (Hangs. Get it?)

Anyway something rather extraordinary happens when I'm pregnant. Extraordinary as in unusual, NOT awesome. My hair triples it's growing speed. Other than giving me long head hair, this is not advantageous. I'm forced to get my hair done about every 4 weeks, which gets quite expensive. Right now it has blond highlights so once those fuckers grow out you have to color them. My armpits and legs get a 5 o'clock shadow by about 2:30 and the lady parts? Well they look like this:

I try to keep up on the maintenance, but it is a jungle down there.  I turn my back for one second and it goes rogue.  I have resorted to buying all new razors and keeping scissors in the shower.  I am not fucking kidding.  It's going to be a real joy when I show up at the swimming pool with knee length stray hairs poking out of my swimsuit bottoms.  (I for reals just googled pubic hair in swimsuit for a visual and there was nothing.  Apparently even the Internet thinks my pubal situation is too gross to be seen.  THE INTERNET.)

My belly is already growing steadily, so as it gets bigger the situation will just get worse.  I know I should just go wax the son of a bitch, but I just cannot bring myself to spread eagle for a stranger and smile politely as they rip my pubes out by the root.  And besides, how often do you think I'll have to get that shit done?  Don't you have to go like once a month?  That means I will have to go twice, plus the growing back stage to get it long enough to wax.  That gives me approximately 10 hair free days a month.

I might have to resort to it.  Dear lord, beer me strength.  Amen.