So Far

Today has been a rough one. It's only 10:25 am but I just want to tell you what I have done so far. Nothing.

I couldn't sleep last night because my back hurts like a motherfucker. Fall asleep, wake up, roll over, cry out in pain. Repeat.

This morning when the baby starts his little mockingbird call for me "Ma-Ma... Ma-Ma!" I just can't. I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot get out of bed. I do my best not to cry when I ask Hubs if he would please go get him and let me sleep. Just a little longer. Luckily he complies without too much hassle and I don't have to hide from him just how dark I am feeling.

I sleep a little longer but inevitably somebody wants mom to get out of bed. When L finally makes it to my bed he is dialing numbers on my phone and I notice his diaper hasn't been changed yet and now Hubs wants a turn for a nap. And it is all too much. The ugly cry comes out and the whole day feels unreasonable, unmanageable and how the fuck am I going to get out out of bed today? Hubs finally stomps off with L because who is this unreasonable bitch sobbing in his bed over nothing?

After the ugly cry I know it has to be over.  I have a day that can't exist without me.  There's not going to be anyone here to take care of it all.  So I google "how to get out of bed..."  The auto search function automatically fills in "... when you're depressed."  And somehow it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has uttered these terrible words to the internet gods.

I read, "get sunshine, take a walk, eat healthy, breathe deeply."  All things I already know but couldn't fathom five minutes ago.  It's too much to take a walk right now, but I convince myself that I CAN, in fact, grab a plate of fruit and a blanket and sit outside in the sun for 15 minutes and breathe deeply.  So I do, and it helps just a little.  I feel a little less ruined and defective and not at all funny but thanks for listening anyway because grabbing my computer and blogging about it makes it feel possible.