Grief Sneaks Up On You

Don't get me wrong... the first 2 miscarriages sucked a lot of ass. But this one takes the proverbial ass cake. I am really suffering with some depression with this one. Like possibly need some medication depression. I have suffered from depression in the past and usually am able to overcome it medication-free so maybe I'll be able to pull that off again, but I am not above talking to my doctor about it next time I see him.
Case in point... this weekend we went to my in-laws for a visit. I think I cried about, on average, 4 times a day. I would just be sitting there, having a conversation or watching tv and then all the sudden, I would have the urge to bawl my eyes out. It was weird. And a little uncomfortable. And so, so sad.

Here Comes the Speculum

Well I had the HSG done today. I was a little worried about the pain because I always cramp up during anything cervix related. It's like my cervix's eye sees the speculum coming and calls "RETREAT!" and my whole uterus tightens up like a nun's vag. Luckily they hooked me up with some valium and ibuprofen before it started and the pain was uncomfortable but tolerable.
The good news is that my tubes were clear and there didn't appear to be any obvious polyps or tumors inside my uterus. Hooray! One test down, countless others to go.

Nachos Anyone?

Yesterday. Was. Hard. I'm not sure if my hormones are just all outta whack still or if I'm just horribly horribly depressed, but yesterday was a rough one. The doc's office called to say that my HCG levels were back to "negative" and I found myself nodding and saying, "Oh good." Like oh good, I'm so not pregnant anymore. Yahoo. Really I just meant that it was good that I didn't have any lingering tissue or worse, an ectopic pregnancy. But it still felt odd to be happy about it.
Hubby was super sweet. I was being all sorts of Kathy Bates on him and he just kept saying nice things and telling me he loves me. Then we watched a movie together and he sat next to me on the couch and held my hand during the whole movie. Usually he lies in the recliner and dozes off so this was a big deal.
Anyway, no point to this post really except that I was sad and ate about everything in sight and made nachos at 1:00 in the morning. Sick. This morning I slept in but then got up and went for a run. It was only about a mile but it felt good to exercise a little again. When I found out I was pregnant just 2 short weeks ago, I stopped exercising out of fear of P90X'ing my baby out of my uterus. So I've made it my new goal to get hot and skinny since I can't be pregnant right now.
HSG tomorrow, blood clotting and anti-mulerrian test results should be back next week.

More Doctors

So I went back to the doctor today. They are making sure my HCG levels are back to normal. They are also doing a more advanced test on my blood for the clotting disorder. I'm having an HSG done in 2 days to check for any blockages. I started this blog to get all my frustration out. I'm trying to fight through the sadness to get back to hopeful. I'll continue to have more tests run to try and figure out what the problem is.
I'll try and get my sense of humor back and be happy for people when they get pregnant.

The End

So another blood draw later (140) I just had to wait for the blood. This was by far the worst of the 3. So much pain. So many tears. So much depression. Quite a bit of whiskey. Day after day of maxi pads and blood and sadness.
I went out of town with my friends to take my mind off of it but instead ended up talking. talking. talking about it over and over again. I just don't understand what happened this time. The 3rd time was supposed to be the charm. I even had tests done that said I may have a clotting disorder so I began taking low-dose aspirin to help hang on to it. It didn't work. It's just not working. Something inside me is rejecting another pregnancy.

Needles Needles Needles

They had me come in to check my HCG levels, which is of course, the pregnancy hormone. In a "normal" pregnancy, the numbers should double every 2-3 days for the first few weeks. Day number 1, my level was 50. 3 days later it was 137. I was starting to breathe a little easier. They scheduled an ultrasound for when I got to 6 weeks because they can usually see a heartbeat at that time. Just to be safe, they had me come back 3 days later for another HCG test.

It was 243. Not quite double. Not necessarily a problem, they said, but they wanted another draw in 2 days. 2 agonizing days of worry. Crying. Hope. Prayer. I went in on a Saturday for the next draw. They called me a few hours later. 245. "I'm so sorry," the nurse said, "I know how hard this must be for you." I wanted to scream at her "No you don't! You have no fucking clue how hard this is for me!" But instead, I politely said, "Thank you" and hung up before she could hear me crying.

I went to bed and cried and wondered what was wrong with me. Why can't I give my son a sister? Do I have bad karma? Will my husband still love me? Will they be able to fix it? Am I too old?

Bringing Out the Big Guns

So 28 months after the first "try" I decided enough was enough and called a fertility specialist. My insurance situation had improved so I was able to come to this decision rather easily. I met with the doc on a Tuesday afternoon. Hubs came along and listened with me. Doc recommended several rounds of tests and I just felt overwhelming relief. Like, ok, now we are going to get some answers. Now it is going to work out before my eggs shrivel up and die. The tests were scheduled for the following week.
3 days later, I got a positive pregnancy test. Great. Hallelujah! All I needed was to see the fertility specialist and my prayers were answered.

Voodoo

So next, I heard about this lady who does energy work and can go through your body energetically and tell you if you have any imbalances and how to fix them. I believe in ancient medicine and intuition so this type of treatment sounded legitimate to me, or at least worth a try. I talked to this lady and she told me that I had several imbalances. One in my liver... and considering the amount of alcohol I had begun drinking to kill the time til I got pregnant, I believed that one for sure. She then told me that my caffeine intake was affecting my adrenal glands and in turn, my ovaries and estrogen production. I know it sounds hokey, but the symptoms she described fit me to a tee and the remedies were all natural and it was definitely worth a try.
So I cleansed my liver, gave up caffeine (mostly), and did stress reducing exercises and meditations. I actually felt great and my periods got shorter and less heavy so I thought it was definitely working on my estrogen situation.
4 months later, I still wasn't pregnant.

Hey Baby! Let's Do It

If you've ever actively tried to make a baby, you understand that the sex can become somewhat of a chore. It isn't fun when you're on a schedule and you have to tell your husband that tonight, he needs to drop trou and inseminate you. It feels like a duty, an obligation, and not at all like love making. So hubs and I decided we weren't going to do that. We had gotten our 2 unlucky miscarriages out of the way and we were just going to enjoy each other and not pay attention to what time of month it was, where I was at in my cycle, and whether or not I had egg white cervical mucus (look it up, it's real.)
6 months later, I still wasn't pregnant. Our sex life was pretty great though.

Crack Whores and 16 Year Olds Can Do It!!

Why can't I? 29 months ago, my husband I and started our journey of trying to have another baby. We were successful at it a few years back and have the greatest kid in the world. This time around, however, it ain't working out so well. After the first 15 months, we got a positive pregnancy test. Whoopee!! I used to get so excited about that. Now it provokes even more worry than the amount of time it actually takes for me to get pregnant.
So that one ended in miscarriage around 5 weeks. It was sad, but I just thought most people have to deal with at least one miscarriage. Something wasn't right so it was ok. The next time would be better and hey, at least I knew I could get pregnant right? Right.
Fast forward 3 months later and hooray!! Another positive pregnancy test. Another miscarriage. So then I start getting worried. Called my doctor and they were less than helpful because I didn't have insurance at the time and couldn't afford the $3,000 worth of tests they wanted to run that could offer little more than a possible answer.