They had me come in to check my HCG levels, which is of course, the pregnancy hormone. In a "normal" pregnancy, the numbers should double every 2-3 days for the first few weeks. Day number 1, my level was 50. 3 days later it was 137. I was starting to breathe a little easier. They scheduled an ultrasound for when I got to 6 weeks because they can usually see a heartbeat at that time. Just to be safe, they had me come back 3 days later for another HCG test.
It was 243. Not quite double. Not necessarily a problem, they said, but they wanted another draw in 2 days. 2 agonizing days of worry. Crying. Hope. Prayer. I went in on a Saturday for the next draw. They called me a few hours later. 245. "I'm so sorry," the nurse said, "I know how hard this must be for you." I wanted to scream at her "No you don't! You have no fucking clue how hard this is for me!" But instead, I politely said, "Thank you" and hung up before she could hear me crying.
I went to bed and cried and wondered what was wrong with me. Why can't I give my son a sister? Do I have bad karma? Will my husband still love me? Will they be able to fix it? Am I too old?
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