The Dark

I have mentioned before that I have had struggles with depression and anxiety in the past.  It is not debilitating or even constant, it just kind of comes and goes on it's whim and I'm left to decide if I am crazy, too sensitive, PMS-ing, a bitch, or just going through the dark for a moment.

Since the birth of my precious baby boy, I've had ebbs and flows with it, and have struggled trying to decide if I should medicate.  I keep putting it off because I am still breast feeding and the meds do get into the milk.  My doctor has assured me that my mental health trumps that, but because I have way way more good days than bad, I have decided not to take anything as of yet.

But I do want to put it out there because I know that other mothers have struggles with this too.  I know I am not alone and I wanted them to know they are not alone either.  So I am writing to tell you some of the things that go through my mind when I am in the throes of this fucked up disease.  Some of them are comical, others are dark and horrifying.

A couple weeks after L was born, I was obviously exhausted and not sleeping for more than 2 hours at a time.  My husband had reached the point of not helping anymore at night, although really, there was nothing he could do.  I just kinda wanted him to sit up with me while I had to be awake.  One morning, L had been awake for about 3 hours in the early morning and I. was. tired.  I yelled at my husband to wake the fuck up and help me.  He was startled out of sleep and yelled back.  So we were fighting at about 5 a.m.  He went and slept in the other room.  I put L in his bouncy chair, pulled the covers over my head, cried.  And wished I was dead.  I wasn't going to kill myself or anything, but I really literally wanted to die at that moment.

On a daily basis, I get in the car, drive for awhile and then all of a sudden, think I have forgotten L.  I will frantically look in my rear view to make sure that, yes, his car seat is there.  I haven't forgotten him on my driveway.  I also check often to make sure he is breathing, that his blankets aren't covering his mouth or nose, that his shirt is pulled down and not in his face, that I have no lotion or chemicals on my breasts before I feed him, and that his diaper isn't too tight on his belly.

Yesterday I was bored so I started looking at old friends' FB pages.  2 of my high school friends are models and one guy from my high school is a MLB pitcher.  That got me thinking about my own life and feeling like there was so much I wanted to accomplish and never did.  It made me sad and regretful.  I think regret is the worst feeling you can have.

I also read through all of your clever and funny blogs and thought to myself how insignificant and not funny my blog is and how I should just give up on writing because I am not good at it.  That lead to how fat I am and how my skin isn't tan and my face is too round, I now have stretch marks on my belly, and I'm too hairy and my lady parts are weird, and my feet get too dry, and my nails are too short and on and on and on....

One day I was anxious to walk past my open window because I was afraid I would trip and drop L out of it.  I also sometimes have anxiety walking down the stairs with him for fear of falling.  I get nervous driving with him, and I hardly sleep if he's lying next to me because I am afraid Hubs or I will roll on him or get the covers in his face.

I'm going to stop now because I can feel you guys organizing an intervention.  None of these things happen on a daily, or even weekly basis.  They just float through my mind sometimes and usually seem to float out just as quickly.  They are mostly fleeting thoughts and I just wanted to share because I seem to not be able to keep anything private.  But I guess, most importantly, maybe these things shouldn't be private.  Maybe this is another disease that needs to be talked about.

P.S.  I have toyed with the idea of disabling comments on this post because I swear I am not fishing for compliments.  Please don't think I am all "Oooh please tell me how awesome and pretty I am.  NOW!"   That's not the purpose of this post.  I am not disabling them because I do value everyone's input, but please don't feel obligated to say something nice to me.