Stages

This weekend, a friend of mine (Lisa) was in town.  She has been married almost as long as I have and has 3 kids, her youngest is 7 months old.  We were with 2 others who have both been married 3 years and have 1 kid.  And we were also joined by a friend who recently got engaged and is planning her wedding.

It became painfully clear that Lisa and I are old married people.  The other gals stared in horror and probably a little in pity at our stories about how sex changes after 10 years of marriage and babies.  So I thought I'd spell out a little of our conversation for your horror and amazement.  You're welcome.

Lisa: "So how's your libido since having another baby?"
Me: "snort, snort, laugh"
Lisa: (nodding in recognition) "Me too dude.  I'm fucking tired!  And these kids are CRAZY!"
Me: "Do you even try to have orgasms anymore, or are you over it?"
Lisa: "Every once in a while, but mostly I just want to go to sleep.  I'm fucking tired!"
Me: "Me too.  I have to be on top to have an orgasm, so sometimes Hubs is like, 'Hey, wanna get on top?' and I try my hardest to sound all sexy and be like, 'oooh no, that's ok, this is great!'  But really it's that I'm only doing this for him and I just want to go to sleep.  I'm fucking tired!"
Lisa: "snort, snort, laugh"
Me:  "Sometimes I even try to get him to wear a condom so I don't have to get up and clean up after."

Nod of recognition from Lisa, blank stares from married 3 years girls, and engaged friend has a look of fear and loathing on her face.  She is feeling bad for me because obviously my marriage sucks if I want Hubs to wear a condom for sanitary purposes.  You'll get there little engaged friend, I promise, you'll get there.  Who wants to be 50 and cleaning semen out of their crotch?

Me: "I've also started making sure we move to his side of the bed while we're doing it so that HE has to sleep in the wet spot."

To this revelation, the girls that have been married 3 years agreed.  I mean, who wants to sleep in the wet spot, like, ever?

Married 3 years girl: "Well after my baby was born, I asked my doctor what I should do about my libido and she told me I just needed to try harder and have an orgasm every time."
Me: "Did you change doctors immediately?"
Her: "No!  It worked!"
Me: "grunt, pshaw"
Lisa: "Sometimes I lie in bed and think that I should try to initiate sex, I mean, I'm awake and it would probably make his day.  But then I don't.  And I go to sleep instead."
Me: "Well of course, you're fucking tired!"

Next Lisa and I had giant slices of cake because, obviously.  Then I went home and decided to try harder and have an orgasm.  It was great.  I might try that again.  But only if there's cake.